Choosing to Get Out of the Muck

Today's inspiration author is Dionysus of Alexandria.  He was a 3rd century Pope and scholar.  He was born into a wealthy pagan family.  He spent his life reading and studying.  He came to know the Lord later in life.  During this time Alexandrian Christians were heavily persecuted by atrocious means.  This is a quick summary, but hopefully somewhat interesting.

John 13:10-11) Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean.  And you are clean, though not every one of you."  For He knew who was going to betray Him, and that was why He said not every one is clean.

I have to apologize before you read this because I had trouble translating what was in my brain to the paper.  Hopefully some blessings can still come from today's study!  My study is progressing through the section of the washing of the disciples' feet.  In John 13:10-11, Jesus calls out that someone who will betray Him.  The Lord was not leading me to dissect the last part of the verse, but rather to take a closer look at the beginning.  As usual, Jesus' words were very profound.  When I take the time to dissect His words is where the true wisdom is found.  The key is taking time.  When I became a Christian I was made clean by the blood of Jesus.

Isaiah 1:18) "Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord.  "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."

Here the Lord is commanding Judah to come to Him and settle their differences.  Judah was a sin-sick nation who fiercely rebelled against God.  Is that not a picture of humanity as a whole before we come to accept His saving grace?  The blood of Jesus washes my body clean.  Matthew 26:41 immediately comes to my mind.

Matthew 26:41) Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Jesus knew this.  He knows my every weakness now.  When talking to the disciples He reminded them their whole body has been made clean but they still need a foot washing.  This presents a vivid vision in my mind.  I picture myself dressed in a beautiful white dress (Okay, I'm wearing my wedding dress.  I have always wanted to wear it again...oh, and my veil too!) stepping in some gross and disgusting manure.  Actually, I am wearing my wedding dress cleaning Jessie's stall barefoot.  I am getting way too into this visual!  Because I am a child of God I do not need a full shower, but rather a foot washing.  This is what Jesus is telling His men.  The earth is a messy place to live.  Sometimes the mess we are walking in is caused by others.  More often it is our own mess because as Matthew 26:41 says, "our flesh is weak."  We have a bent toward sin.  When we get saved our desires SHOULD change, but the battle ensues.  Even though my intentions are holy I fall.

Quite frankly, I am extremely discouraged right now.  I am tired of feeling tired and terrible.  My whole heart longs for wellness.  Whenever I do my study I try to relate it to where I am at.  Some studies directly relate and I am able to hear the Lord loud and clear.  Others, not so much.  Today's study is a 'not so much.'

After sitting here quietly for a few minutes a thought came to mind.  I can wallow in self-pity.  I can dwell on the fact I am so tired I can barely see straight or that this journey seems never-ending and stay in the muck OR I can decide to rinse off and see the positive.  My health problems are different then unrepentant sin but the principle is the same.  I can stay where I am or move into something better.  For me, now, the better place is positive thinking.  For the unrepentant heart, the better place is the wash basin.

So here is my list of positives for enduring what I have with my health. 

- A sense of wonder when I look at Eli.  He actually began life in a petri dish!

- A sense of compassion for suffering because my condition has caused me great suffering.

- A complete dependence on the strength of God.  There have been days, months, years where I did not think I could walk up the stairs let alone care for a child and handle a dying parent.

- A patience that is not of this world.  This is still a struggle because Godly patience is waiting with a GOOD ATTITUDE and not just waiting.  Yeah, I know!!!!

- The ability to know he does what I need.  Granted, I have to remind myself of this 9,392 times a day.

- A desire to learn God's Word inside and out.  Face it, that desire does not come on the mountain tops.

- The braveness to talk openly about Jesus Christ.

- The ability to run an 8-minute mile for ten miles even though my fatigue was laughing in my face.
Turns out this drive contributed to the worsening of my condition (enter "over-training").  I thought the day I skipped the gym because of tiredness was the day insomnia, fatigue, and sickness won.  I was not about to let that happen.  I never let how I felt dictate working out with all my might.  It was NOT going to stop me or slow me down so each mile I pushed harder and harder.  With the help of my compounding pharmacist, Dawn, I now see the harm in my actions.  She praised me for my drive (I am a ridiculously driven person), but thought maybe I could find a new avenue for it!  She understood where I was coming from.  I no longer beat my body into submission.  It was not crying uncle.  Do I still work out?  Yep, six days a week, but it is toned down by like a million!  Now it's an extremely high intensity workout, but very short (google Tabata Protocol).  Apparently just because you can run 30 miles a week does not mean you should.  It's okay to laugh, I am!

- A depth of character that can only come about through suffering.

- The realization that I cannot have what I want when I want it.

- The understanding of how badly my mom wanted to get better.  Obviously my situation is not life or death as hers was, but I do have a taste of what she endured.

- The realization that God cannot be manipulated into doing what I want.

There may be more and I do not list these to brag on myself because my weak flesh is much happier staying in the muck of self-pity and whining.  There is something strangely satisfying about complaining.  None of these positive aspects occur in my own power and would not be possible without my Father. 

Genesis 50:20) You plotted evil against me, but God turned it into good, in order to preserve the lives of many people who are alive today because of what happened.

Romans 8:28) We know that in all things God works for good for those who love Him, those whom He has called according to His purpose.