Communion Wrap Up

This was a fun study to complete and of course, it could have gone on and on.  The verse from the first day of my Communion study really inspired me.  The New Covenant is the major theme of the New Testament. The hours before Jesus crucifixion is called the Passion. I think back to that old Mel Gibson movie about the Passion.  I know the next time I take Communion the meaning will be greater, my gratitude will be larger, and my ability to quickly forgive another will have grown...hopefully.  Communion should not become an Old Testament-like ritual.  All too often it is something I just do.  My desire is Communion becomes who I am

Luke 22:20) In the same way, after the supper He took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."

I wrote the above paragraph a few days ago when I completed my Communion study.  It's a funny thing because we took Communion today at church!  So let me explain what happened.  Saturday night was a particularly difficult evening.  I will not go into details, but let me just explain that something REALLY bothered and frustrated me.  Something that I cannot change no matter what I do.  Actually, I am doing all the right things, all the things my compounding pharmacist and his assistant (if you have read other entries you will understand how important the relationship is with these two) are telling me to do.  The only instructions I can't seem to follow are the ones that say "be patient."  Have you ever been so frustrated you just sat and cried your eyes out?  I was there last night.  Let me just add a plug for my gracious, Godly, and ever-so-loving friends...you all are amazing!  Oh and David, he's just...well, a gift from God.  When I get frustrated I get angry.  Here is a great definition of 'frustration' from dictionary.com.

Frustration-  a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

When I get frustrated I not only get angry, but I get anxious or down because it APPEARS the situation will never change.  It APPEARS my needs are not being met and my problem will never be resolved.  This is why I get angry.  I feel hung out to dry.  I feel deserted or even betrayed.  With  my situation only God can change it.  Not me, not another person, no one.  Heck, I am even doing all the things I am supposed to be doing.  When I was brutally honest with myself last night, I was holding this issue against God.  He is the only one who can work this out and it APPEARS He is not.  So how does this factor into my Communion experience?  Let me explain.

Matthew 5:23-24) Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go.  First make things right with your brother or sister and then come back and offer your gift.

Matthew 6:14-15) "If you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you don't forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your sins."

As I sat blankly through worship time this morning I felt numb.  There was no fire within me.  Then Pastor Bobby started the sermon on...worship.  One thing I will say about Bobby if you have never heard him is this, he tells it like it is.  If you want to feel frilly and fluffy when you leave church Journey is not the place for you.  He strips you down and makes you take a good, hard look at yourself.  As he spoke (and the Lord too) I realized I was frustrated at God.  I was exhausted and just really frustrated at God.  I would even go as far as to say I was holding a grudge against Him.  I struggle with thinking how I feel or how things appears is reality when actually, it is not.  Just because it appears He is not working or not working quick enough for me does not mean that is really true.  So basing all my worship on how I feel is really ridiculous.  I was reminded this morning that worship is not just singing.  True worship is making God big in everything.  I worship Him with my everyday attitude and especially my attitude when it comes to my struggles.  I can worship Him in how I handle this situation...with the words I speak and the thoughts I have.

Then Bobby said it was time for Communion.  Oh boy.  So I thought back to the study I have posted on here and thought through the list I had made.  I could not come up with the right words because I felt numb and my frustration lingered from the night before.  Then I decided to sit humbly in front of Him just worshiping.   No words.  I just pictured myself right there bowed down before Him.  Interestingly, I never see God, but rather a huge bright light.  As the time for Communion came and went I had another thought.  The two verses in Matthew came to me.  Was it possible that I needed to deal with my grudge against God before I took Communion?  I think so.  The two verses in Matthew are talking about relations with another human and being angry with them.  It is talking about unforgiveness.  How can I consume Communion in the spirit I am supposed to if I will not forgive another?  Communion is about gratitude for Christ's death on the cross relinquishing me of my sins.  I should have applied the above verses to my relationship with God.  Granted He never does anything to harm me, but my perception is He does.  My perception is skewed.

Remember I said I felt numb during worship (singing) and could not find the words to use during my quiet time just before Communion?  I was upset with God.  What I should have said while I bowed before the Light was this, "You are God and I am not."  Fortunately for me, it is not too late for me to say this even though Communion time has come and gone.  I said this as I wrote this blog and will probably need to say it a whole bunch more before the mentioned situation is resolved.