We Will Walk by Faith and Not by Sight

Some of you may know that I had a somewhat discouraging doctor's appointment yesterday.  It had good and challenging aspects to it.  At the end of the day I was overwhelmingly discouraged.  When David is out of town Eli 'camps' with me at night.  So last night he woke me up around 1:45 a.m. because his heavy comforter slid off the bed and he couldn't get it back on.  After I fixed his comforter he dozed off immediately.  Me on the other hand...not so much.  My mental wheels began turning.  Whenever I open my eyes in the morning I'm overwhelmed with the challenge that lay ahead of me so if I awake in the night often I have trouble getting back to sleep.  I pray, recite Bible verses, etc.  The bottom line is that it's tough to get that mind to quiet down.  We have all been there numerous times I'm sure. 

I get mailings from In Touch Ministries.  Pastor Charles Stanley is a well-known pastor and author whose home church is in Atlanta.  I got up and went to the kitchen and noticed a pile of unopened mail on the counter.  I opened the In Touch letter and read only one random paragraph.  I really didn't even read what the topic of the letter was.  Later I read the whole letter and the topic was making the choice is live by faith or succumb to doubt.  Our goal when we face hurdles is to respond in faith.  This pleases God.  Unfortunately I often do not respond that way.  My journey has been one of amazing growth and I could completely bore you with all small details that God has worked through my circumstance.  There is not one ounce of me that is not grateful for the lessons that He has blessed me with.  My journey has also been one of tremendous heartache and let down.  Doubt is something that I battle on an hour by hour basis.  In my own power I cannot fight this battle on my own.  Doubt means to think something unlikely: to feel unconvinced or uncertain about something, or think that something is unlikely or to not trust somebody or something: to suspect that somebody is not sincere or trustworthy, or that something is not true, likely, or genuine. 

Pastor Stanley made four points.  The fourth one is the one I read in the wee hours of the night with blurry, tired eyes.  It reads, "We choose to obey God and leave all consequences to Him.  There may be times in your life, as there have been in mine, when trusting the Lord is in conflict with your human reason and when you fail to see Him working in your circumstances.  But don't give up.  Remember "we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Cor. 5:7).  Claim God's promises in faith, and do exactly as He says.  You will always be glad you did."  Pastor Stanley goes on to encourage the reader to trust that the Father is working on their behalf.

Wow.  Now at the time this reading fell on a numb soul.  The more I thought about Pastor Stanley's words the more it sunk in.  For many years it has felt that God isn't doing anything good on my behalf.  True, He has taught me and I truly belive I have a great deal of wisdom for a woman of my age.  My mom always was a fan of discernment.  She taught my sister and myself to always be discerning...to be wise.  My hopes have been dashed so many times with doctor visits and medication changes, etc. and it often feels like God isn't doing much on my behalf to bring this chapter in my life to a close.  The two Bible verses I cling white-knuckled to are 1. Proverbs 3:5-6, and 2. Romans 8:28.  I will copy them below.

Proverbs 3:5-6)  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit (acknowledge Him) to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Romans 8:28)  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So back to the fourth point made by Pastor Stanley.  Actually now that I think about it my study yesterday was on obeying God and shutting off reason.  Huh...I just thought of that.  Apparently God is trying to tell me something here!  A few close friends and family know that David and myself are flying to Tucson, Arizona to see a new female hormone specialist.  I hesistate to say this because I want it to work out perfectly and well, if it doesn't than no one knew we went.  I'm trying to turn over a new bold leaf though...you know Spirit-inspired courage.  I could go on and on and on and on with why it won't work, why she will probably be like all the other doctors I have seen (unhelpful), I'll probably have to learn to just live with this, etc.  The toxic thoughts could go on for a paragraph.  With my history it is difficult to think differently, but I firmly believe He is leading me (actually nudging from behind is how I like to picture it) to Tuscon.  It's a pretty big deal...it's a lot of money, time, etc.  Dave has to take time off work and we had to find a friend to keep Eli for us.  Thanks, Kim, for offering to keep our munchkin.  Actually, he asks pretty much everyday if today is the day he gets to stay with Miss Kim!  I'm obeying His nudgings even despite my fear.  Joyce Meyer says to "do it afraid."  Again, my human reason says this won't work because I have failed to see Him working in this circumstance.  There have been times when I have thought maybe this is my lot, but then a fire lights and I'm motivated to keep on and to not give up.

I'm screaming to be heard.  Dr. Vliet wrote a book that I read titled Screaming to be Heard: Symptoms You Have That Your Doctor STILL Ignores.  Dr. Vliet is the doctor I am going to see in August.  I will not stop screaming to be heard.  I will get on that airplane in complete blind faith that good WILL come from it.  I will get on that airplane walking in faith and not by sight.  My human sight sees what is in front of me.  It hears the discouraging words from doctors, it feels the failed attempts of this hormone treatment and that hormone treatment.  My faith sees something that my eyes cannot.  My faith says Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, who was sent into the world.  My faith cannot believe long enough or hard enough to be physically healed.  I have all the faith I need when in my heart of hearts I can declare Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, who was sent into the world...despite my doubt I will take the next step in this journey and I believe that the next step is to board that airplane and fly to Tuscon.  By doing this I am acting out my faith and showing trust that He is working it all out on my behalf and that pleases the Lord. 

I encourage you to take that next step and not to wait until your human eyes can grasp what is ahead.  1 Cor. 5:7 says, "we will walk by faith and not by sight."  Please pray that I will find answers and the doctor will know how to treat me.  I also want to encourage you to obey even when human reason says it won't work.  Since when does God do things in a reasonable manner?!