Hey all. For some reason last week I had my dates all mixed up. I actually wished two friends Happy Birthday on the wrong days! Fortunately they weren't offended! Last night Dave and I were getting ready for bed and it hit me...tomorrow is the 24th. You see the 24th is a big deal to me. My mom passed away at 11:45 a.m. on February 24th, 2011. It is so cliché to say, but I seriously cannot believe it has been three years. I mean three years! I haven't gotten to talk to my mom is just over three years. I rushed to Ohio two days before she passed away and by the time I arrived she could not longer talk or open her eyes. She didn't respond to anything we said to her those last few days. I had been home a week or so before and at that time she was able to talk and respond. So last night when I realized the 24th was fast approaching I sobbed pretty heartily for about twenty minutes. I told Dave that I still have such pain when I think about what happened to my mom...I mean the physical and emotional part. I feel more pain about that than not having her now. Anyway, I could go on and on about the painful memories of the last few months of her life (and they are too numerous to count) in this blog, but I decided to take a different route.
Ecclesiastes 3:1) There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven...
I have always loved this verse in Ecclesiastes and the following verses also. I remember my mom quoting these verses. You see there is a time to mourn and a time to rejoice. I learned many important lessons during the grieving process of losing my mom to brain cancer. People think if they no longer cry about the loss they are doing so well and have moved on. I don't necessarily agree with that notion. Sometimes I will see something that my mom loved and it will hit me that I can't show her...and I will cry my eyes out. Other times I'll think, "gosh, I wish I could tell Mom what Eli said," and I won't cry, but think how blessed I was to have had such an incredible mother. It comes and goes..flows up and down. That's all okay. I bawled my heart out last night and today I don't feel like crying. I reminisced last night with Dave about some extraordinarily painful memories from the end of her life and right now I feel like remembering some different things about her life.
So here it is a random list of the things Dinah Ann Kruse liked. It is in no particular order and the list is not in order or importance. It's more a list of random thoughts that come into my brain. Some things I'll write about and others are just straight forward. Enjoy.
Spring- She loved planting flowers and watching them blossom. She loved the buds on the trees and shedding horses. She would remind me each winter (several times...Ohio has a long winter) that spring is a promise.
Horse racing- My parent's raised thoroughbreds throughout most of my childhood. My usual chores consisted of watering them, feeding them, and doing other barn work. Many a Saturday was spent stripping stalls. I also spent a great deal of time on the backside of a race track. Much to Dad's chagrin Mom would allow me to miss school to go to the race track. She loved a good horse race. She especially loved the Triple Crown races. Up until she could no longer travel she and my sister traveled each year to Baltimore to watch the Preakness.
The Quarter Horse Congress- As soon as the air cooled and the leaves started to change Mom would anticipate Congress. Spending weeks at Congress each October is truly one of the best memories in my entire life. We would go a lot with our friends, the Nicholls family. Jamie and I would cover every inch of that fairgrounds. Mom is the only person in my family that could watch an entire Junior Western Pleasure class with me...that's about 15 splits! When October rolls around now I feel some sadness still...Mom could no longer attend the last few years of her life. She had been to every single Congress since it's inception in 1967. I know the day will come when the October emotions will go away and I'll just be thankful I got to experience it with her...it'll come.
Her family- She and Dad were an interesting couple...complete opposites that accentuated each other in so many way. She was always annoyed that Dad was never getting gray hair. She colored her hair blond for as many years as I can remember. She said she would stop when Dad went gray...and that still hasn't happened. They were a great team...they ran a business, raised two daughters, impacted people with their faith, and built a beautiful home in all regards. She absolutely loved my sister and I with all her heart. It gave her utter joy that she knew she would see Christy and myself in heaven one day. She knew she could give us the latest fashions, a good horse to ride, and the list goes on, but none of that mattered to her. What mattered to her was that she did everything in her power to get us into heaven. She knew the decision had to be ours, but she was going to set us up for spiritual success. Mom pretty much loved my David. She trusted him with me and knew I was in good hands. Boy did she love Eli too. She insisted on him having Stride Rite shoes...lots of them! Mom didn't live long enough to see Christy get married or meet her stepchildren, but she knew Shane way back when he and Christy were in high school. If I remember correctly Mom was crazy about Shane. I know for sure she would love Shanea, Brayden, and Madison.
The Golden Girls- I remember watching this show with my mom as a kid. My dad often thought it was inappropriate at times! She and I watched this show as much as possible right up until the end.
Rush Limbaugh- I guess I would be considered a "Rush Baby." That is a kid that grows up listening to Rush. I remember her watching Rush when he was on T.V. and had the politically correct fireplace in the background. That was a T.V. screen inside a fireplace mantle with a video of a fire playing. She listened to Rush until only a few weeks before she died.
America- Talk about being Patriotic...she was through and through. She wasn't so crazy about what has happened to America. She loved the principles that America was built upon and actually had a mini-Constitution that she would reference. She believed in limited government and state's rights. She loved personal accountability and was not a fan of government handouts. She believed politicians had overstepped their boundaries...Republicans and Democrats alike.
Camping- Her camper was pretty much her favorite place on earth. It was such a cozy, homelike place. Nothing made her happier than hitching up the dually and heading down the freeway. I am glad she got to take Eli camping before she died.
Horse shows- Mom and I had plenty of early mornings at horse shows. They were the best. She would wake me up early and we'd get my horse loaded and off we would go. The dew on the grass and the warm sunshine were a sign of a good show day ahead. We would get our schooling in, eat breakfast and hurry up and wait. If you show horses you totally get what I'm saying.
Her home- She took her role as a homemaker very seriously. Well, cleaning wasn't her favorite, but other than that! My friends always loved coming over because my house was awesome. It still is one of the coolest houses I've ever been in. She had a tremendous knack for home decorating and loved HGTV. It wasn't just the four walls, but the feeling you get when you step into the door.
Her dog- I remember many of the dogs we had. There was Holly the Sheltie, Jake and Bailey the Corgis, Lacey, Harley, and Sky the Australian Shepherds. We lived on big horse farm so the dogs sure got grubby. I don't think they ever were taken to a groomers...just baths in the barn hose. One of her main concerns before she died was that Dad would take good care of Sky which he is. Boy, she would LOVE my little Olive.
Big hair and general gaudiness- She used to tell me that girls with flat hair couldn't keep their men. I still think of that! Really, she got along well with the 1980's and 90's! She loved bright lipstick, sequins, crystals, and diamonds. Leopard print was a favorite. In fact, Christy and I picked out a leopard shirt with sparkly beads for her to be buried in. Boy, did we get a good laugh out of that...Mom would have loved it!
Ohio State- Talk about being a Buckeye fan...she was it! She was pretty wild over Jim O'Brien (us Ohio State folks know who that is) and Jim Tressel. She never missed an O.S.U. basketball or football game. Actually, she did technically miss them because if the games got too intense she would go play solitaire on her computer. My parent's and their friends went to the Ohio State bowl game in 1999 in New Orleans. We played and beat Texas A&M. She remember how obnoxious the 12th man was! She also thought Maurice Clarett was too darn cute.
The underdog- My mom was one of those people who people opened up to. She attracted people that were just...people. I don't mean that disrespectfully. What I mean is that people that were hurting knew she would be there for them and not judge them. I think she felt that way because she came to the Lord really, really broken. Her life was very difficult and she knew what it was like to live out consequences. Her home life growing up was not ideal and she fully understood the pain people felt. I loved that about her.
Good food- She loved Italian food especially the restaurant Brio. Mom was also an incredible cook and baker. I can still taste her paprika baked chicken, chili, orange/lemon fan bread, apple pie, and chocolate-pecan cake. I am thankful I have so many of her recipes. We left her kitchen fully equipped after she passed away so when I visit my dad I have everything I need to recreate some wonderful meals.
The good Lord- I could write about this for ten minutes, but will keep it short. She knew what it felt like to be far from God. She experienced being changed by God. Her life was one way and after she found Jesus Christ it was another way. Her relationship with God was one of the most real I have ever known. That woman literally wrote on every page of her Bible. We displayed it at her viewing. She listened to static-y a.m. radio Bible studies. She always said she loved Him. I never quite knew what she meant until now. I get it now...it just took me some years of walking with Him. She would tell people about Him, but it was never abrasive. She knew she would just tell people what He had done for her and leave it at that. The last word she uttered through her death rasp was "Christ now." I believe that speaks volumes. I believe what we saw her experience in the last days of her life was not what she was experiencing in her soul.
Authentic people- She knew when you were blowing smoke. I hated this gift she had as a teenager! I'm tellin' ya you could not fool this woman. Christy, if you are reading this you get me. She was an excellent reader of character. I could be wild about a new girlfriend at school and she could meet them once and know they were up to no good. She was so discerning and wise. She used to tell me to pick friends that would hold your rope. She wanted to be around people with character who meant what they said and said what they meant. She was real. She was not perfect and knew it, but she never came across as anything but real. I aspire to be the same way.
So here it is...my random list. I could write 100 more. Dinah was a fascinating human being. I miss her.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
For or Through?
The 23rd Psalm
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
"A true relationship of trust in God extends beyond trusting Him for something and includes trusting Him through a situation," Joyce Meyer, Trusting God Day by Day, page 33.
After I read the above sentence I had to stop for a minute and really take it in. It is common to say we are trusting God for something. Maybe you are trusting him for justice, a new job, a healed marriage, or a healed body. The list is as varied as the personalities of the people praying the prayers. If you are anything like me the main focus of your prayer is asking God to remove the trouble. I don't know about you, but I really enjoy being comfortable. When a problem arises we immediately start binding Satan and doing "spiritual warfare." Now I totally and completely believe in spiritual warfare, after all, the Bible says in 1 Peter 5:8 that we should be alert and of sober mind. Our enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Like for real, this isn't a figurative verse. By immediately wishing away our thorn what are we missing? By focusing our trust on God for something what are we missing? A lot I say. We would miss out on the wealth of wisdom and discernment we gain during the hardest times of our lives. I would seriously not trade that for having my prayer answered instantly. I love what Joyce Meyer says in her daily devotion Trusting God Day by Day, "I need to learn to not simply look to Him for the results I desire; I need to learn to trust Him through the process of attaining them." I am maturing in my walk with God (thank goodness) and I am starting to pray different prayers.
God is teaching me to trust Him through situations. Rescuing doesn't usually come when I think it should. Actually in John 16:33 He tells us that we will have trouble in this world. Along with that promise comes one that gives me a great deal of peace. Deuteronomy 31:6 assures me that I can be courageous and not terrified because He will never leave me nor forsake me. I have questioned this verse at times. I questioned it big time watching my mother die of cancer. So He's with her? So what. Her vision and hearing are still failing because of the brain tumors. Her mouth is full of thrush because of chemotherapy. She won't get to see Eli grow into the Godly man she claimed he would be. When I pushed aside those feelings for a minute what was really in my heart came through. He was with her every step of the way. He was with her right at the end when she took her last breath and uttered "Christ...now." I do not pretend to have the answers on the why of things. I will bet the farm that she knew He was with her the entire time and would have never, ever wanted anything else. I asked God once to help me understand the whole 'He is with me' concept. He is with me and I still have this huge issue...God, help me make sense of this. I told Him I wanted to be comforted by Deuteronomy 31:6, but just was not. In my heart of hearts I heard this, "well, what if I wasn't with you..." I honestly don't even want to think of what that would be like and I guarantee my mother wouldn't have wanted to know that either!
So why is it easier to trust Him for things more than through things? This took some thought. Trusting Him for something has an immediate connotation. What did you get for Christmas? What did your husband/wife get you for your birthday? See what I mean? Trusting God for something leaves out the wonder. I know what I want and have already determined my desired outcome. Trusting Him for something makes it easier on me. There is minimal responsibility on my part. It is like an immediate miracle. In my case trusting God for healing relieves my discomfort right away.
Now on the flipside, trusting God through a situation is a bigger giant to bring down. T-H-R-O-U-G-H = T-I-M-E. Through is a journey from one point to another and often to get from A to B we have to go through the entire alphabet twice before we arrive. Just hearing the word makes me want to run away screaming, "I want it now, now, NOW!" It takes a healthy dose of God's grace to be patient when we are waiting to arrive. Remember the true definition of patience is waiting with a good attitude. Trusting God through a hard time in life requires me to activate my faith.
So let's take a closer look at the word faith. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." If you are anything like me that verse is totally confusing. I have read several commentaries on it. Each time I read I think I get it and then I don't. Here are some other ideas of what Biblical faith is. Oh and saving faith is something entirely different and that's not what I am referring to here. Anywho, here are those ideas. I hope they help you.
- taking God at His word no matter our feelings
- accepts God's Word: promises and warnings alike
- having a holy reaction
Using an active faith as I trust God through a troubling situation requires me to trust Him to choose my journey and my outcome. It also relinquishes my control in how long the process will take (ugh). At this point I can pray that my outcome take as long as God deems necessary and not come as soon as possible. Dave and I went through fertility treatments to conceive Eli. It was not an easy time in either of our lives. The treatments were very grueling. If you have ever gone through this process my heart goes out to you. After Eli was born my hormonal health got worse and worse. Incompetent doctors and ignorance on my part made it all worse. I have prayed everyday for over seven years for answers. They are coming in God's timing. Fast forward nearly seven years and I am making positive progress. My human side would have much rather had God give me the nod to my prayers immediately, but He didn't. He is bringing me through the matter. My heart is 100% grateful He didn't answer with a resounding yes when I wanted because I would have missed out on seven years of intimacy with the God of this universe. I am not the same person I was seven years ago and I am so very glad.
By trusting Him to take us through the trial it is giving up all control. It is waving the white flag of surrender. It is saying, "God, I don't know how long this will take. I don't know how this will turn out, but I trust You." I encourage you to rely on His integrity, ability, and character to carry you through. I hope you found this blog entry helpful and it enables you to look at God in a different light. My hope is that it is thought provoking and that you will ask God to show you how my words apply to you and your situation. When I type an entry it is truly like I'm typing it to myself. Pastor Furtick says often that he wishes someone would preach his sermon to himself. I feel the same way about my blog! I am eager to share what God has showed me.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
It seems that the 23rd Psalm is mostly read at funerals. That is surely an appropriate time to read it, but I challenge you to read it right now, but apply it to your life now. I made the fourth verse bold because that is the one I am going to focus on today.
"A true relationship of trust in God extends beyond trusting Him for something and includes trusting Him through a situation," Joyce Meyer, Trusting God Day by Day, page 33.
After I read the above sentence I had to stop for a minute and really take it in. It is common to say we are trusting God for something. Maybe you are trusting him for justice, a new job, a healed marriage, or a healed body. The list is as varied as the personalities of the people praying the prayers. If you are anything like me the main focus of your prayer is asking God to remove the trouble. I don't know about you, but I really enjoy being comfortable. When a problem arises we immediately start binding Satan and doing "spiritual warfare." Now I totally and completely believe in spiritual warfare, after all, the Bible says in 1 Peter 5:8 that we should be alert and of sober mind. Our enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Like for real, this isn't a figurative verse. By immediately wishing away our thorn what are we missing? By focusing our trust on God for something what are we missing? A lot I say. We would miss out on the wealth of wisdom and discernment we gain during the hardest times of our lives. I would seriously not trade that for having my prayer answered instantly. I love what Joyce Meyer says in her daily devotion Trusting God Day by Day, "I need to learn to not simply look to Him for the results I desire; I need to learn to trust Him through the process of attaining them." I am maturing in my walk with God (thank goodness) and I am starting to pray different prayers.
God is teaching me to trust Him through situations. Rescuing doesn't usually come when I think it should. Actually in John 16:33 He tells us that we will have trouble in this world. Along with that promise comes one that gives me a great deal of peace. Deuteronomy 31:6 assures me that I can be courageous and not terrified because He will never leave me nor forsake me. I have questioned this verse at times. I questioned it big time watching my mother die of cancer. So He's with her? So what. Her vision and hearing are still failing because of the brain tumors. Her mouth is full of thrush because of chemotherapy. She won't get to see Eli grow into the Godly man she claimed he would be. When I pushed aside those feelings for a minute what was really in my heart came through. He was with her every step of the way. He was with her right at the end when she took her last breath and uttered "Christ...now." I do not pretend to have the answers on the why of things. I will bet the farm that she knew He was with her the entire time and would have never, ever wanted anything else. I asked God once to help me understand the whole 'He is with me' concept. He is with me and I still have this huge issue...God, help me make sense of this. I told Him I wanted to be comforted by Deuteronomy 31:6, but just was not. In my heart of hearts I heard this, "well, what if I wasn't with you..." I honestly don't even want to think of what that would be like and I guarantee my mother wouldn't have wanted to know that either!
So why is it easier to trust Him for things more than through things? This took some thought. Trusting Him for something has an immediate connotation. What did you get for Christmas? What did your husband/wife get you for your birthday? See what I mean? Trusting God for something leaves out the wonder. I know what I want and have already determined my desired outcome. Trusting Him for something makes it easier on me. There is minimal responsibility on my part. It is like an immediate miracle. In my case trusting God for healing relieves my discomfort right away.
Now on the flipside, trusting God through a situation is a bigger giant to bring down. T-H-R-O-U-G-H = T-I-M-E. Through is a journey from one point to another and often to get from A to B we have to go through the entire alphabet twice before we arrive. Just hearing the word makes me want to run away screaming, "I want it now, now, NOW!" It takes a healthy dose of God's grace to be patient when we are waiting to arrive. Remember the true definition of patience is waiting with a good attitude. Trusting God through a hard time in life requires me to activate my faith.
So let's take a closer look at the word faith. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." If you are anything like me that verse is totally confusing. I have read several commentaries on it. Each time I read I think I get it and then I don't. Here are some other ideas of what Biblical faith is. Oh and saving faith is something entirely different and that's not what I am referring to here. Anywho, here are those ideas. I hope they help you.
- taking God at His word no matter our feelings
- accepts God's Word: promises and warnings alike
- having a holy reaction
Using an active faith as I trust God through a troubling situation requires me to trust Him to choose my journey and my outcome. It also relinquishes my control in how long the process will take (ugh). At this point I can pray that my outcome take as long as God deems necessary and not come as soon as possible. Dave and I went through fertility treatments to conceive Eli. It was not an easy time in either of our lives. The treatments were very grueling. If you have ever gone through this process my heart goes out to you. After Eli was born my hormonal health got worse and worse. Incompetent doctors and ignorance on my part made it all worse. I have prayed everyday for over seven years for answers. They are coming in God's timing. Fast forward nearly seven years and I am making positive progress. My human side would have much rather had God give me the nod to my prayers immediately, but He didn't. He is bringing me through the matter. My heart is 100% grateful He didn't answer with a resounding yes when I wanted because I would have missed out on seven years of intimacy with the God of this universe. I am not the same person I was seven years ago and I am so very glad.
By trusting Him to take us through the trial it is giving up all control. It is waving the white flag of surrender. It is saying, "God, I don't know how long this will take. I don't know how this will turn out, but I trust You." I encourage you to rely on His integrity, ability, and character to carry you through. I hope you found this blog entry helpful and it enables you to look at God in a different light. My hope is that it is thought provoking and that you will ask God to show you how my words apply to you and your situation. When I type an entry it is truly like I'm typing it to myself. Pastor Furtick says often that he wishes someone would preach his sermon to himself. I feel the same way about my blog! I am eager to share what God has showed me.
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