Hi all! I have missed chatting with everyone via my blog. I can't believe the last time I checked in was February! I remember clearly we had a giant snow storm and today it is 84 degrees outside! My winter/spring ended up being super busy. Between homeschooling Eli and working at Bailey Quarter horse farm I didn't have much down time. I absolutely loved homeschooling Eli AND I enjoyed working at the farm also. Hollywood celebrities do not excite me. I have horse celebrities and One Hot Krymsun is definitely one of them...I absolutely loved grooming him. He especially likes being vacuumed. Anyway, I'm so happy to be doing this entry.
I have had the idea to do this entry for quite awhile now. I am not sure if this was mentioned in any of my previous blog entries, but I had plans to show Jessie this spring/summer. We worked really hard all winter taking lessons from Jamie Watson (the Trail guru extraordinaire) and practicing our lope overs, backthroughs and boxes for hours. Jessie ended up getting injured somehow and could never get sound. This was fairly devastating to say the least. I was so incredibly disappointed.
On another topic my hormone situation had been very stagnant all winter. I hadn't felt worse, but I hadn't felt better. So many symptoms were still around. Honestly, I had been at the end up my rope many times before yet somehow my rope just kept getting longer and longer. There has been many of a prayer session that just was silent because my words have dried up. God knows I want to get better...how many times can I ask Him?! So by the time spring rolled around I just didn't know what to do anymore. My doctor's plan was just not working for me. Here is the medication schedule I was on...excuse me I'll be right back. I am going to pound my head against a concrete wall!
before breakfast- two thyroid medications
8 a.m.- oral testosterone (or topical application), daily vitamins, estrogen gel
noon- oral testosterone (or topical application), estrogen gel, thyroid medication
2 p.m.- estrogen gel
4 p.m.- oral testosterone
8 p.m.- estrogen gel
before bed- p.m. vitamins, estrogen gel
* change my estrogen patch every day
* we even tried muscular injections
Seriously. My phone alarm was going off constantly. I began to think there has got to be another way plus I still wasn't feel very good. A person can tolerate about anything if they see results which I wasn't.
I am not sure where the idea was introduced to me about asking God to surprise us. Instead of praying to God and asking for the things you think you want or need the concept is to allow God to surprise you with what He wants for you. There is even a book written about it. I ordered the book and to be honest, I didn't love the book. The concept intrigued me though so around January I began to pray this prayer. It's a bit risky. What if He wants something for me I don't want. I mean it could happen, right?! Nothing really seem to be happening. I still physically felt lousy. Jess was not improving despite trying many different treatments. She would get sound so I thought and each time I would try to ride her she would be off the next day. Ugh. I can't exactly remember the time frame for what was about to unfold.
A friend of Becky Bailey's (owner of Bailey QH and One Hot Krymsun) came to board at the barn in February. He boards at her place for a few months each winter so he can began to get his horses back into shape for the upcoming show season. The horse he brought was named George. Becky had talked a lot about the horse before and I met the owners briefly at another show. They seemed like super great people. I was definitely impressed with George's show record! Jimmy let me ride George one time at the barn because he knew Jessie was unsound. We actually got along pretty well. Fast forward a few weeks and it appears that maybe I could ride George on a regular basis. Jimmy is a crazy good teacher and I love his wife, Sandy. There was a big blaring issue though...I could not turn George for the life of me. We would lope into the corner and stop each and every time. For some reason, Jimmy kept letting me ride George and helping me learn how to ride him. Sandy was also really supportive and kind. For about two month straight I rode George and could not turn him!
After talking and talking Jimmy, Sandy, and I worked it out that I could lease Georgy. Oh about May I began to be able to turn George. Come to find out my heels were slid back a bit too far. So every time I would ask him to turn he would swing his hip over! Words can't really explain what it has been like to ride and learn on George. Jimmy is a very gifted teacher and Sandy is excellent at helping me get ready and giving me directions in the pen. She and I also have a really good time together! I have grown to love George like he is my own and they have been incredible about making me feel like he is my own. As the months progressed it dawned on me that the opportunity with George came on the heels of my "surprise me" prayer I prayed every day for months and months. I never put the two together until somewhat recently. We have been able to travel all over showing AQHA. George and I have done really, really well together. We had a great show this past weekend...the best yet. Being able to ride and show George has truly been an honor and gift from God. I fully recognize God orchestrated this relationship. I dearly love Jimmy and Sandy also and am thankful for the impact they have had on my life. They have taught me about generosity, kindness, and encouragement. The amount I have learned about riding has been amazing. Fortunately I am able to ride George three to four days a week. There is nothing that can replace time in the saddle. The show pen experience is like none other also. I promise you, showing a Western Pleasure horse is INCREDIBLY difficult. There are about 1,395 things going through my head during one given class. I am thinking: keep my legs on him...not too much or else he will stop, keep his head tipped slightly to the left, do I lope now or wait until the horse in front of me goes, his jog is a little faster so I have to really plan ahead, USE THE CORNERS, trust his slow lope, shoulders back, chin up, why are there so many other horses in this class, oh my gosh the horse in front of me kicked the fence, I just got cut off, I hope I don't cut someone else off...OMG, I think I might throw up! The one constant though is that I can spot Jimmy and Sandy on the rail calmly helping me. They might not even realize the impact that has on me. So onward and upward Giorgio de Krymsun and I go! The sky is the limit for the two of us!
Another interesting and unexpected thing that happened was that we bred Jessie in March. I had literally dreamed of being able to do this from the time I got her as a baby. She is a lovely mare and has so many positive features. She is extremely well bred, talented, beautiful, and so so sweet. She is the kind of mare that should have a baby. Roughly ten years ago my mom and I watched Jet (One Hot Krymsun) win the Western Pleasure Maturity at the Congress. We were both just wild about him. It turned out after the Congress in October Jessie was going to live at Bailey farm where OHK stands. I really had no intention of breeding her since she was going to show another year. I guess in the back of my mind was the thought of breeding her next year. She is 15 though and a maiden mare. I knew it could be harder to get her into foal. So when we couldn't get her sound my husband agreed to trying to breed her. Becky is so knowledgeable on this so I knew if anyone was going to get her into foal it was going to be Becky. Becky has become a dear, dear friend to me also. Eli loves her so much. Jessie caught on the very first try! I still remember when Becky called me to tell me the good news. I got goose bumps all over and got choked up. This was a dream come true. I couldn't help but think how overjoyed my mom would be. "God surprise me," I prayed day after day for months before. Coincidence? I think not.
Okay, back to my health dealio. In early April I came across a book written by a doctor in St. Louis, Missouri. When I read the description I just knew I needed the book. I found Dr. Vliet by first reading her book. This new doctor offered a completely different way of treating women (mostly who have had hysterectomies or have gone through natural menopause). She implants tiny hormone pellets into the hip region. Crazy. This means no more gels, patches, or pills. The hormones are released as the blood flows by. This all sounded so intriguing to me. In my usual tendency I researched this method for weeks on end. What interested me so much was the ease of use and the positive way the body responds to hormones that do not pass through the liver first or the skin. Hormones change form as they pass though and become a different substance that has negative side effects. Dr. Maupin's book was eye opening in many ways. David and I had a long talk and decided it wouldn't hurt to try this new treatment!
I called the doctor's office for additional information. They prescreen each person with an in depth questionnaire and evaluate your case by having blood work done. A few weeks later the office called and said they would like to see me! Oh my! The downside?! They couldn't see me for three months!!! How devastating. What could I do though? Pray and pray for a cancellation. I did this off and on then one week in May I decided I was going to really buckle down and pray for a cancellation to come in. My sister prayed. David prayed. My two closest friends prayed. One day in late May the office called and asked if I could make it to St. Louis in three days. So Dave and I loaded up the car (and Eli) and hit the road. My nerves were screaming because just three years ago we flew to Arizona to meet another doctor. How could God be taking me in a different direction?! What if this treatment doesn't work? The what ifs were filling my brain. The rawness of my emotions were numbing in a way. Questions were spilling over into my prayer time. I felt a peace in the midst of the chaos in my heart. I couldn't help but feel SURPRISED that God was taking me down this new and unexpected road.
My initial appointment was truly one of the best days of my life. Dr. Maupin really picked up where my other doctor left off. She heard me. She comforted me and most of all...she had been where I was. She listened to my words and didn't judge me from the outside appearance. Words can't really express what it felt like to sit across the table from this extraordinary woman. The procedure was quick and easy and not too painful. The worse part was probably not being able to ride George for three days! The nurse that completed my procedure stressed to me that the first insertion rarely hits the nail on the head. The insertions are done every four months or so. It often takes two to three before a person is asymptomatic. Basically she was stressing to me to be patient. The first thing I did was delete all my stupid phone alarms! All I take now is my thyroid medication! What a treat. I have felt an incredible freedom by not having to take all the medications throughout the day.
My appointment was June 2nd. I do not feel awesome yet and can clearly still pinpoint some issues. Of course I would prefer that the doctor got it all exactly right on the first try, but I know that's not reality. There have been some issues improve though and I will force myself to keep my mind on those positives. I know without a doubt my "surprise me" prayer caused this series of events to unfold. I know without a doubt God is working in an unexpected way. There could be no possible way I would have known to pray for such a thing to happen. I was praying that my old routine would work. Yet God had something better for me so it is quite possible His saying no to that was opening the door for something even more freeing. Why couldn't I have not gone though the other stuff though? That is a good question and one we all have at one time or another. Even Jesus asked such a thing in Luke 22:42. Jesus asked God, "if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done." Basically Jesus is asking God to accomplish the goal by another avenue. I guess that is what I meant by wondering if there was another way to get me to my goal of good health. Whenever I ponder these types of questions I refer back to Isaiah 55:9. Unfortunately this verse has become one of those over used, cliché type verses, but it holds such power. It reads, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." The bottom line is this. No one knows why God does what He does when He does it. If we could figure all this out with our human brains than He wouldn't be God, would he?!
I don't believe there are any magic prayers. There is no prayer we can recite that will get God to give us what we want. Honestly I have come to believe God values simple, heartfelt prayers. Believe me I am far from an expert at praying. The funny thing is that the longer I walk with God the simpler my faith life becomes and in turn the simpler my day to day life becomes. He uncomplicates life. Two of my favorite Bible verses are Romans 8:26 and Romans 8:34.
Romans 8:26) In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us though wordless groans.
Romans 8:34) Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died--more than that, who was raised to life--is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
Is it possible that I put too much emphasis on asking for what I want? Yes. It is done out of the desire to control my own life. It is done because I am too scared to tell God to have at it...give me what He wants. What if He wants me to sell all my belongings and head to the Congo to be a missionary?! It is an extreme example, but a true one nonetheless. God wants me to share my heart's desires with Him, but they shouldn't come and replace a prayer for God to give me what He wants me to have. There is room for both in our prayer life. In my case I was really just doing a little experiment to see what would happen. What happened was three occurrences that I could never have even imagine coming true. Heck, I didn't even know such amazing things were a possibility.
So what's stopping you from praying "surprise me" prayers? Really think about it. Really evaluate your own heart. What is interesting is that I haven't prayed that prayer in a long time. Why? I am scared to really. I am ashamed to say that because He gave me three unexpected gifts. I didn't even know to ask for these gifts! After typing out this blog I am encouraged to pray that bold prayer and see what God has in store for me. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Blessings, Blessings, and More Blessings
What do you think of when you hear the word "blessed?" It is sort of a Christian buzzword these days. I am pretty sure this happened about the same time as Twitter and thee ole hashtag. We have all read the laundry list of good things or the perfect picture posted on Facebook followed by the typical #soblessed. I don't mean to ruffle feathers and I know I've been guilty of doing such a thing. Is it even a bad thing to do? I don't think it always is, not by any stretch. I do think it is a dangerous claim to make. Let me explain a bit more and hopefully you walk away from reading this with something to think about and not just the thought that I'm being judgmental or jealous. Remember just a bit ago I said I have done the exact thing I am referring to. I also want to be clear that I do not have all the right answers nor am I some kind of Biblical scholar. Hopefully we can all learn something here.
In preparation for today's blog topic I did quite a bit of reading. I read articles on the topic and I studied God's word. I have a regular prayer that God will help me understand Him. My mom taught that I must be wise and discerning. Heck I even read the dictionary. What a wealth of good information that dictionary has! Anyway, here we go!
When I see posts on Facebook or hear people in conversation say something like, "I am so blessed...I beat cancer" or "I am so blessed with these amazing kids" I wonder. I wonder about the people that weren't blessed by beating cancer or the families that were left behind when their loved one dies of the dreaded disease. I wonder about the parents who are not sleeping at night because they know their wayward teenager is out making horrible decisions. I wonder about situations like that. I also think of the new Believer who thinks God will #bless them if they start following Him yet their husband still has an affair and leaves them or their child still needs chemotherapy. I guess I am thinking out loud here. Remember I don't know the answers to these questions. Why are some blessed with the new, gorgeous house yet others live in trash dumps? Some people are blessed by a booming business yet another is struggling to even make it despite their faithfulness to God or their regular tithe check. The Bible says His ways are not ours and His knowledge is above ours. He allows things we do not understand to occur. Only He knows what is going on at the heart of a situation. I think maturing in faith is crucial. I think we have to dig into some deep things to really get to know God. Believe me sometimes I want to be really shallow and just think about sunshine and lollipops...and sparkly western show clothes. On the flipside there is a part of me that wants to take on some tough topics.
Since this blog is one with a bent towards faith I wanted to see what the word blessed means in the Bible. One source said the word is used about 300 times in the Bible. I can't confirm that, but it sounds interesting. From what I learned on dictionary.com the word has many different meanings. The first meaning found on dictionary.com is "consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified. After that comes "worth of adoration, reverence, or worship. Number three is "divinely or supremely favored, fortunate" and number four is "blissfully happy or content." I find this list rather interesting. It is quite possible I think number four should be number one! The Hebrew definition of bless, according to the Ancient Hebrew Research Center (online source), says the word is originally seen in a concrete manner in Genesis 24:11. That scripture says, "And He made the camels kneel down outside the city." Well that's weird because I don't see anything about being happy and blissful there. The phrase kneel down is the same Hebrew word translated as bless. If we extend this out the meaning of the word bless is to do or give something of value to another. Having said that I am quite certain the Bible also speaks of blessings as you and I think of them..good, awesome, and amazing stuff happening to a person. So let's keep reading and thinking about this.
Genesis 12:1-3) The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your land, your relatives, ad your father's home. Go to the land that I will show you. I will make you a great nation, I will BLESS (caps are mine) you. I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you, I will curse. Through you every family on earth will be blessed.
So this verse packs a lot of information. The first thing I notice is that Abram is being asked to sacrifice something before blessings are mentioned. That's interesting to me. I also think there are a couple of forms of bless that are being used. Following Abram's obedience God is promising blessings. I think this could mean gifts such as material possessions and/or spiritual blessings knowing you obeyed God and stepped out in faith. The second type of blessing is the type that you can do for other people. Think to the original definition I gave you in regards to the camels kneeling. Abram will be a blessing to others. Oh for us all to have that priority! I heard once about a study that was done matching up America's most prosperous times to that when she fully supported Israel. When American turns her back on Israel is when times here get worse. I didn't confirm that, but according to the verse I just shared it is possible that is true.
Deuteronomy 28:1-6) Carefully obey the Lord your God, and faithfully follow all his commands that I'm giving you today. If you do, the Lord your God will place you high above all the other nations in the world. These are all the blessings that will come to you and stay close to you because you obey the Lord your God: You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country. You will be blessed. You will have children. Your land will have crops. Your animals will have offspring. Your cattle will have calves, and your flocks will have lambs and kids. The grain you harvest and the bread you bake will be blessed. You will be blessed when you come and blessed when you go.
It goes on and on for about another 20 verses! Wow! Sign me up! A little context is important. God is talking to the generation of Israel about to enter the Promised Land, and ALL subsequent followers. I find God's generosity quite impressive considering the Israelites were quite the stinkers for the 40 years they wandered in the wilderness. Anyway, so God is also a God of material blessings. Phew, good to know! Before we shut it down on that note let's look a little at the New Testament and the Sermon on the Mount (the Beatitudes)
Matthew 5:1-12) When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up a mountain and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them: "Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Blessed are those who mourn. They will be comforted. Blessed are those who are gentle. They will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for God's approval. They will be satisfied. Blessed are those who show mercy. They will be treated mercifully. Blessed are those whose thoughts are pure. They will see God. Blessed are those who make peace. They will be called God's children. Blessed are those who are persecuted for doing what God approves of. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, lie and say all kinds of evil things about you because of me. Rejoice and be glad because you have a great reward in heaven! The prophets who lived before you were persecuted in these ways.
Well, huh. That escalated quickly. So the Apostle Paul was blessed. He was beat in the town square often and was poor and imprisoned. John was apparently blessed also when he was shipped to Patmos and doused with hot oil. My family was blessed when my mom was taken Home because we can now be empathetic to another who is losing a loved one to a terminal illness. You are blessed when you turn your mind from bitter thoughts to forgiving thoughts. You are blessed for standing up for your ethics in your workplace. You are blessed when you encourage someone with a gentle word. You are blessed when you could get even with someone, but you don't. Notice the first of the Beatitudes..."Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them." Interestingly enough Jesus recognizes definition one as the first Beatitude. Remember what it was? It is to be consecrated (declare sacred); holy. I think it also matches up with the definition we learned first in Genesis 24:11. God is giving us something of value.
There are approximately another 299 verses on the word bless that I didn't cover here. I think it is safe to say that He blesses us with things we want and scenarios we desire, but He also allows what we perceive at negative situations to occur to bless us in other ways. I have done my share of asking God to bless me and my family which is a completely fine thing to do, but I need to be sure I am blessing God by my words, thoughts, attitudes, and actions. Just like I LOVE giving my sweet boy material gifts God takes great joy in the same thing. I firmly believe that. Instead of declaring all our blessings to others so much let's try to reach the hurting and lend a hand to them. I need to be more sensitive to the hurting, to the people that are dreaming of the same blessings I am currently receiving. Let's put a priority on the first Beatitude, to recognize we are spiritually bankrupt without the Holy Spirit in our hearts. Maybe we should change our #soblessed into #sothankful? Let's turn our focus from the obvious blessings to those that have to be searched for. Let's look for the blessings that our emotions say are not blessings. And for all blessings both material and spiritual let's be thankful!
I declare this to anyone reading this now:
May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
- Numbers 6:24-26
* I want to dedicate this entry to my mom, Dinah Ann Kruse, who lost her battle with cancer this day in 2011. She received the ultimate blessing, to hear the words face to face, "well done good and faithful servant."
In preparation for today's blog topic I did quite a bit of reading. I read articles on the topic and I studied God's word. I have a regular prayer that God will help me understand Him. My mom taught that I must be wise and discerning. Heck I even read the dictionary. What a wealth of good information that dictionary has! Anyway, here we go!
When I see posts on Facebook or hear people in conversation say something like, "I am so blessed...I beat cancer" or "I am so blessed with these amazing kids" I wonder. I wonder about the people that weren't blessed by beating cancer or the families that were left behind when their loved one dies of the dreaded disease. I wonder about the parents who are not sleeping at night because they know their wayward teenager is out making horrible decisions. I wonder about situations like that. I also think of the new Believer who thinks God will #bless them if they start following Him yet their husband still has an affair and leaves them or their child still needs chemotherapy. I guess I am thinking out loud here. Remember I don't know the answers to these questions. Why are some blessed with the new, gorgeous house yet others live in trash dumps? Some people are blessed by a booming business yet another is struggling to even make it despite their faithfulness to God or their regular tithe check. The Bible says His ways are not ours and His knowledge is above ours. He allows things we do not understand to occur. Only He knows what is going on at the heart of a situation. I think maturing in faith is crucial. I think we have to dig into some deep things to really get to know God. Believe me sometimes I want to be really shallow and just think about sunshine and lollipops...and sparkly western show clothes. On the flipside there is a part of me that wants to take on some tough topics.
Since this blog is one with a bent towards faith I wanted to see what the word blessed means in the Bible. One source said the word is used about 300 times in the Bible. I can't confirm that, but it sounds interesting. From what I learned on dictionary.com the word has many different meanings. The first meaning found on dictionary.com is "consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified. After that comes "worth of adoration, reverence, or worship. Number three is "divinely or supremely favored, fortunate" and number four is "blissfully happy or content." I find this list rather interesting. It is quite possible I think number four should be number one! The Hebrew definition of bless, according to the Ancient Hebrew Research Center (online source), says the word is originally seen in a concrete manner in Genesis 24:11. That scripture says, "And He made the camels kneel down outside the city." Well that's weird because I don't see anything about being happy and blissful there. The phrase kneel down is the same Hebrew word translated as bless. If we extend this out the meaning of the word bless is to do or give something of value to another. Having said that I am quite certain the Bible also speaks of blessings as you and I think of them..good, awesome, and amazing stuff happening to a person. So let's keep reading and thinking about this.
Genesis 12:1-3) The Lord said to Abram, "Leave your land, your relatives, ad your father's home. Go to the land that I will show you. I will make you a great nation, I will BLESS (caps are mine) you. I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you, I will curse. Through you every family on earth will be blessed.
So this verse packs a lot of information. The first thing I notice is that Abram is being asked to sacrifice something before blessings are mentioned. That's interesting to me. I also think there are a couple of forms of bless that are being used. Following Abram's obedience God is promising blessings. I think this could mean gifts such as material possessions and/or spiritual blessings knowing you obeyed God and stepped out in faith. The second type of blessing is the type that you can do for other people. Think to the original definition I gave you in regards to the camels kneeling. Abram will be a blessing to others. Oh for us all to have that priority! I heard once about a study that was done matching up America's most prosperous times to that when she fully supported Israel. When American turns her back on Israel is when times here get worse. I didn't confirm that, but according to the verse I just shared it is possible that is true.
Deuteronomy 28:1-6) Carefully obey the Lord your God, and faithfully follow all his commands that I'm giving you today. If you do, the Lord your God will place you high above all the other nations in the world. These are all the blessings that will come to you and stay close to you because you obey the Lord your God: You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country. You will be blessed. You will have children. Your land will have crops. Your animals will have offspring. Your cattle will have calves, and your flocks will have lambs and kids. The grain you harvest and the bread you bake will be blessed. You will be blessed when you come and blessed when you go.
It goes on and on for about another 20 verses! Wow! Sign me up! A little context is important. God is talking to the generation of Israel about to enter the Promised Land, and ALL subsequent followers. I find God's generosity quite impressive considering the Israelites were quite the stinkers for the 40 years they wandered in the wilderness. Anyway, so God is also a God of material blessings. Phew, good to know! Before we shut it down on that note let's look a little at the New Testament and the Sermon on the Mount (the Beatitudes)
Matthew 5:1-12) When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up a mountain and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them: "Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Blessed are those who mourn. They will be comforted. Blessed are those who are gentle. They will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for God's approval. They will be satisfied. Blessed are those who show mercy. They will be treated mercifully. Blessed are those whose thoughts are pure. They will see God. Blessed are those who make peace. They will be called God's children. Blessed are those who are persecuted for doing what God approves of. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, lie and say all kinds of evil things about you because of me. Rejoice and be glad because you have a great reward in heaven! The prophets who lived before you were persecuted in these ways.
Well, huh. That escalated quickly. So the Apostle Paul was blessed. He was beat in the town square often and was poor and imprisoned. John was apparently blessed also when he was shipped to Patmos and doused with hot oil. My family was blessed when my mom was taken Home because we can now be empathetic to another who is losing a loved one to a terminal illness. You are blessed when you turn your mind from bitter thoughts to forgiving thoughts. You are blessed for standing up for your ethics in your workplace. You are blessed when you encourage someone with a gentle word. You are blessed when you could get even with someone, but you don't. Notice the first of the Beatitudes..."Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless. The kingdom of heaven belongs to them." Interestingly enough Jesus recognizes definition one as the first Beatitude. Remember what it was? It is to be consecrated (declare sacred); holy. I think it also matches up with the definition we learned first in Genesis 24:11. God is giving us something of value.
There are approximately another 299 verses on the word bless that I didn't cover here. I think it is safe to say that He blesses us with things we want and scenarios we desire, but He also allows what we perceive at negative situations to occur to bless us in other ways. I have done my share of asking God to bless me and my family which is a completely fine thing to do, but I need to be sure I am blessing God by my words, thoughts, attitudes, and actions. Just like I LOVE giving my sweet boy material gifts God takes great joy in the same thing. I firmly believe that. Instead of declaring all our blessings to others so much let's try to reach the hurting and lend a hand to them. I need to be more sensitive to the hurting, to the people that are dreaming of the same blessings I am currently receiving. Let's put a priority on the first Beatitude, to recognize we are spiritually bankrupt without the Holy Spirit in our hearts. Maybe we should change our #soblessed into #sothankful? Let's turn our focus from the obvious blessings to those that have to be searched for. Let's look for the blessings that our emotions say are not blessings. And for all blessings both material and spiritual let's be thankful!
I declare this to anyone reading this now:
May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; may the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
- Numbers 6:24-26
* I want to dedicate this entry to my mom, Dinah Ann Kruse, who lost her battle with cancer this day in 2011. She received the ultimate blessing, to hear the words face to face, "well done good and faithful servant."
Friday, January 23, 2015
Smilings My Favorite!
Hi all! I hope your Christmas was wonderful and 2015 is treating you well thus far. I was reading back to some of my old blog entries and couldn't help but notice how the flavor of them has evolved over time. Early on they were more about my own personal Bible studies and now they are more focused on my interpretation of life's situations with my Biblical foundation obviously present.
Our Christmas was pretty wonderful! It was the first time I had been home over the Christmas holiday since my mom passed away in early 2011. Living in Georgia gave me the easy way out to not deal with it. It ended up being very nice though. My dad, his sister and her family, my sister's family, and our Uncle Rog have done their thing for Christmas several years now. Typically the festivities are held at MiChelle's or Christy's houses. I asked if everyone would be willing to come to dad's house. Anyone who has ever been there knows what a cozy and inviting house it is. My dad is always willing to travel to Toledo so I thought it would be nice for him to not have to get into the car. Everyone agreed!
As soon as Dave, Eli, and I arrived Christmas Day I felt sad. My mom loved the holidays and always worked overtime to make them special. Over Thanksgiving I had done some cleaning and came across Mom's gift wrapping Tupperware container. It was full of partially used wrapping paper tubes, ribbon, tape, and her scissors. It's seeing things like that that still hurt my heart deeply. Back to Christmas Day. Dad had gotten out several serving platters and had gone shopping for snacks. Iona, his house cleaner, had been recently so the house looked absolutely gorgeous. Dave and I helped decorate when we were there for Thanksgiving so the mantle was full of garland, lights, and our old stockings. Putting up the tree was a cinch. My mom always left the artificial tree fully decorated and just had my dad move it to a large, unused closet! So all I had to do was have Dave bring it down the stairs and straighten the large poinsettias and beaded gold sprouts that adorn the tree!
I spent a few hours rummaging through all Mom's serving wear. All her items tell a story and are generally pretty hilarious. There is the giant cactus-shaped chip dish with a cactus flower-shaped dip holder that fits inside. I also love the awesome cookie plates that are made of a material that could be colored on using markers. We aren't exactly sure what the drawings are, but they are labeled "Chris" and the date 1978 (I think) is written. That's when my sister, Christy, used to go by the name Chris. At any rate, they are fabulous! Two other favorites are the wooden carved wine stopper that is made in the shape of a really old, wrinkly cowboy face with cross-eyes and his tongue hanging out and the leopard velvet wine carrier with hot pink fur around the top. My Aunt MiChelle gave my mom that probably 10 plus years ago! Anyway, I was reminded of my mom's fierce sense of humor and it all made me smile and my sadness lifted a bit.
When Christy and Shane arrived she immediately commented on how pretty the house was. She looked at me and said, "it feels good to be here." Yes, I thought that's it-it feels good to be here. I think everyone felt the same way and we all shared fun stories of Dinah off and on throughout the night. If you have ever been around my family you know how much we laugh. One story we always remember is how my mom hoisted a dead raccoon (or was it a cat?) onto the roof of the woodshed. Why you might ask? Her adorable Corgi, Jake, kept retrieving it and bringing up the the door of the house. Several times he did this no matter where the dead animal was hidden/buried, etc. My mom got tired of dealing with it so she took it in a shovel and flung it onto the tin roof of the woodshed. We still all crack up at that one!
All in all it was a wonderful evening. Christy, Shane, and their kids were there, MiChelle and her family, my cousin Cullen and his new family, and my Uncle Rog and his friend. I think everyone really enjoyed being at the old house that once housed Christams celebrations with my Grandma Polly, Mylo, and all us grandkids. Times have changed and we all aren't able to be in one place at
one time anymore, but we could embrace life for what it is now and even laugh...A LOT.
I also want to add that a gift exchange in the Kruse family is never dull. Just ask my Uncle Rog who received a very unique "briefcase" from MiChelle and Alyssa. It was made of men's underwear! Or the time my cousin, Greg's new girlfriend from college received garage sale baby clothes from our Grandma Polly. Can you saw "awkward?!" Adrianna handled like a champ though and it's still a
hilarious memory!
I guess the point to this entry is that no matter the pain you may feel now over losing a loved one there will come a day when you can remember that person and even smile a little bit...or a lot like in our case. I absolutely hated when people told me it gets easier in the aftermath of losing my mom. I didn't want it to get easier. I truly wanted to live in the pain forever because I felt close to her and I thought it would dishonor her by moving forward. I think that's all part of the grieving process. My pain was a comfortable coat I could wear. If you are reading this and you have recently lost someone I won't be as curt in saying "oh it gets easier...don't worry." I will say that a day will come when the coat of sorrow and pain starts to slowly turn into a coat of good memories and smiles. There is a disclaimer though. Some days you will want to put on the coat of sorrow to just mourn and that's okay! This Christmas Day we could wear a happy coat and it really suited our little family well!
I will leave you with this reminder from Lamentations 3:21-23.
21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
22 The Lord’s lovingkindnesses [a]indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
Our Christmas was pretty wonderful! It was the first time I had been home over the Christmas holiday since my mom passed away in early 2011. Living in Georgia gave me the easy way out to not deal with it. It ended up being very nice though. My dad, his sister and her family, my sister's family, and our Uncle Rog have done their thing for Christmas several years now. Typically the festivities are held at MiChelle's or Christy's houses. I asked if everyone would be willing to come to dad's house. Anyone who has ever been there knows what a cozy and inviting house it is. My dad is always willing to travel to Toledo so I thought it would be nice for him to not have to get into the car. Everyone agreed!
As soon as Dave, Eli, and I arrived Christmas Day I felt sad. My mom loved the holidays and always worked overtime to make them special. Over Thanksgiving I had done some cleaning and came across Mom's gift wrapping Tupperware container. It was full of partially used wrapping paper tubes, ribbon, tape, and her scissors. It's seeing things like that that still hurt my heart deeply. Back to Christmas Day. Dad had gotten out several serving platters and had gone shopping for snacks. Iona, his house cleaner, had been recently so the house looked absolutely gorgeous. Dave and I helped decorate when we were there for Thanksgiving so the mantle was full of garland, lights, and our old stockings. Putting up the tree was a cinch. My mom always left the artificial tree fully decorated and just had my dad move it to a large, unused closet! So all I had to do was have Dave bring it down the stairs and straighten the large poinsettias and beaded gold sprouts that adorn the tree!
I spent a few hours rummaging through all Mom's serving wear. All her items tell a story and are generally pretty hilarious. There is the giant cactus-shaped chip dish with a cactus flower-shaped dip holder that fits inside. I also love the awesome cookie plates that are made of a material that could be colored on using markers. We aren't exactly sure what the drawings are, but they are labeled "Chris" and the date 1978 (I think) is written. That's when my sister, Christy, used to go by the name Chris. At any rate, they are fabulous! Two other favorites are the wooden carved wine stopper that is made in the shape of a really old, wrinkly cowboy face with cross-eyes and his tongue hanging out and the leopard velvet wine carrier with hot pink fur around the top. My Aunt MiChelle gave my mom that probably 10 plus years ago! Anyway, I was reminded of my mom's fierce sense of humor and it all made me smile and my sadness lifted a bit.
When Christy and Shane arrived she immediately commented on how pretty the house was. She looked at me and said, "it feels good to be here." Yes, I thought that's it-it feels good to be here. I think everyone felt the same way and we all shared fun stories of Dinah off and on throughout the night. If you have ever been around my family you know how much we laugh. One story we always remember is how my mom hoisted a dead raccoon (or was it a cat?) onto the roof of the woodshed. Why you might ask? Her adorable Corgi, Jake, kept retrieving it and bringing up the the door of the house. Several times he did this no matter where the dead animal was hidden/buried, etc. My mom got tired of dealing with it so she took it in a shovel and flung it onto the tin roof of the woodshed. We still all crack up at that one!
All in all it was a wonderful evening. Christy, Shane, and their kids were there, MiChelle and her family, my cousin Cullen and his new family, and my Uncle Rog and his friend. I think everyone really enjoyed being at the old house that once housed Christams celebrations with my Grandma Polly, Mylo, and all us grandkids. Times have changed and we all aren't able to be in one place at
one time anymore, but we could embrace life for what it is now and even laugh...A LOT.
I also want to add that a gift exchange in the Kruse family is never dull. Just ask my Uncle Rog who received a very unique "briefcase" from MiChelle and Alyssa. It was made of men's underwear! Or the time my cousin, Greg's new girlfriend from college received garage sale baby clothes from our Grandma Polly. Can you saw "awkward?!" Adrianna handled like a champ though and it's still a
hilarious memory!
I guess the point to this entry is that no matter the pain you may feel now over losing a loved one there will come a day when you can remember that person and even smile a little bit...or a lot like in our case. I absolutely hated when people told me it gets easier in the aftermath of losing my mom. I didn't want it to get easier. I truly wanted to live in the pain forever because I felt close to her and I thought it would dishonor her by moving forward. I think that's all part of the grieving process. My pain was a comfortable coat I could wear. If you are reading this and you have recently lost someone I won't be as curt in saying "oh it gets easier...don't worry." I will say that a day will come when the coat of sorrow and pain starts to slowly turn into a coat of good memories and smiles. There is a disclaimer though. Some days you will want to put on the coat of sorrow to just mourn and that's okay! This Christmas Day we could wear a happy coat and it really suited our little family well!
I will leave you with this reminder from Lamentations 3:21-23.
21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
22 The Lord’s lovingkindnesses [a]indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
All Kinds of Randomness
This blog is going to full of random thoughts. I hope that's okay! I'll start out by telling you about our trip to Dallas, my time at the Congress, and finish up with some thoughts I have on the Brittany Maynard situation. I told you this would be random!
I know you are probably familiar with the fact I travel a great distance to see my doctor, Dr. Vliet. It is required by law to see her in person once a year. The first year I saw her in Tucson, the second year Virginia Beach, and this year the location was Dallas. Dave and I always make the most out of our visits and take in some local sights.
We really enjoyed our time in Dallas. I typically like my appointments to be scheduled at the beginning of our trips because I like to get them out of the way. I tend to get anxious before my appointments. I think it frustrates my husband somewhat. I guess I have this fear that my symptoms won't match up with my lab results or worse yet, she will say that she has no idea how to help me. It's really rather ridiculous that I get uneasy. Dr. Vliet and I share a favorite Bible verse so I often quote that verse in my head about 25 times a day during this uneasy time. It is Romans 8:28. It reads, "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Dave and I love exploring in new places. We flew in on a Saturday so we knew we had to find a place to watch the OSU football game. We found this fun outdoor restaurant/bar that had several TV's. It was packed to the gill so we couldn't find a seat at first. The seating was all picnic tables. Finally we found a seat after being invited to sit by three guys. They were a riot. All were fans of different teams and all played college football in their younger years for a small Texas college called Abilene Christian. We had a great time with them! We saw people wearing gear from LSU, 'Bama, all the Texas Universities, OSU, Kansas, Mississippi State, and I'm sure several others that I'm forgetting.
The next day we ventured over to Dealey Plaza to the Sixth Floor Museum. Being the history buff that I am I was thrilled to go. If you don't know off hand what Dealey Plaza is it is the exact location that JFK was assassinated. The Texas State Book Depository has been converted into a museum. The Sixth floor is the floor that holds the sniper's nest. The window remains open and the floor is stocked full of fascinating artifacts, photographs, and documentary films. It's an absolutely incredible look back into the past. You could literally look down onto the Plaza and picture the Presidential motorcade passing by then speeding up, going under the triple overpass rushing to Parkland Hospital. We also took a cell phone walking tour of the Plaza. A white 'X' marks the spot on the road where the third shot hit JFK in the head. It sounds really morbid, but it is actually interesting to picture yourself being there waiting for the motorcade to pass by on that sunny November day in 1963.
Another fun outing was to the Texas State Fair. We had seen a giant billboard of Big Tex along side the freeway advertising the fair. Dave and I thought why not so we headed that way. What fun! We learned all about police horses, got to meet a few, watched Ostrich races, and took in all kinds of sites and sounds of a giant fair. We also took a few hours and drove to Ft. Worth to see the historic Stockyards. On my list of things to look for was a new bit for Jessie. Dave waited VERY patiently for an hour while I poured over about 300 bits at this fantastic tack store at the stockyards. What a guy! We also went to the new Gaylord hotel near Grapevine. Wow! There was some sort of convention going on there. We tried to figure out a way to get a badge so we could eat free food and stay! We shopped and found this amazing little pie shop and shared the best piece of pie both of us has ever had!
The last day of our trip involved seeing Dr. Vliet. When she called us back I gave her a big hug and we started right in talking. We went over all my symptoms and labs. Dave was right- I had nothing to worry about. My labs were all very off and she made the changes she felt necessary. We chatted about life and she always likes to hear about Eli. She told us about her adventures and Chile. We left with a new plan of care. I implemented the changes as soon as possible. I noticed some positive changes right away. There are a few things that haven't cleared up yet so we will give it some time and make a few more tweaks. One thing I have to remember is that to me this ordeal seems like it's been going on FOREVER. It all got very bad pretty much directly after having Eli. He will be eight in March. In reality everything started back at zero after my total hysterectomy and that was only 18 months ago. So things she tried BEFORE my surgery that didn't work may work now. That surgery was a complete game changer.
I am trying to really focus on small positive changes. There are a few huge symptoms that are still problematic and I get scared they will never improve. Honestly I battle that fear each day I wake up and they are still present. They aren't life threatening, but enough to greatly affect my life. I read a teaching a few weeks ago that really has stuck with me. Steven Furtick wrote an excellent book titled Crash the Chatterbox. It is about hearing God's voice above all others. He writes about being thankful right where you are at. This is the best way to disperse discouragement. There is always something to be thankful for. If you complain about the little things why would God bless you with more things? Luke 16:10 reads, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Here is an example. If a person can't be obedient to God and tithe off their meager income why would they be faithful to tithe off a large income? So I am applying that lesson to my health. I will be thankful for the small blessings and relish them genuinely and see what happens from there.
I suppose I could stop here on this blog, but I will throw in a few more things! My last blog was very horse heavy. What wonderful feedback I received! The Congress has come and gone. It went well and my sweet Jessie even brought home a medallion. Here is a shout out to Miss Bella. She got two excellent rides out of Jessie, one in her split and another in the finals. I should definitely give props to her mom, Jenn. Jenn is literally the best horse show mom...EVER. The Congress was certainly an emotional experience. The first day felt surreal. I am thankful to my friend, Jeana, for keeping me company. It was fun to meet Bella's family also. Even though I was surrounded by awesome people I still felt very alone. My Congress buddy is gone forever and there was no avoiding the emotion surrounding that hard, cold truth. The D'Onofrio family ran a gorgeous ad in the Congress program of Bella and her cute Roanie and Jessie. They even added a special paragraph under Jessie's picture dedicating Bella's ride to my mom.
Probably the complete highlight of the entire show was during the final placings. All the horses were lined up at the end of the Coliseum. During the final placings music was playing in the background. Just before the announcer called Bella's number Willie Nelson came on singing the classic Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys. I could not believe my ears! This song was seriously my mom's favorite song! I knew all the words to it by the time I was five years old. So as they read Bella's name, number, and Jessie's Little Chip this song was in full swing. There aren't really words to describe how this felt.
Okay, here is my last topic. I didn't follow the story really closely, but know enough to understand what happened to the poor woman in Oregon with terminal brain cancer. Let me first say I have no clue if or if she shouldn't have made the decision to kill herself using specially prescribed barbiturates. There is absolutely no way for me to understand what she felt both physically and emotionally. Let's be honest, even the people that support her have no idea what they would do in a similar situation. They may think they would do the same, but when the time comes they end up with an unquenchable desire to see another day. I am not giving my opinion either way. I seriously cannot judge her decision. I will say I think it's a slippery slope...the whole physician assisted suicide topic. Seeing pictures of Brittany before her illness broke my heart because I saw my mom, healthy and full of life. Brittany had her whole life ahead of her. I read where she and her new husband were trying for a family when she was diagnosed. It's just straight up sad. It is these types of things that make me question God's goodness. I have learned that He can handle my questions. He knows the heart within the person that's asking the questions also. Are we questioning Him with a mind already made up and a heart full of bitterness or are we questioning Him in order to learn more about His nature? The heart behind the questioning matters to Him.
I have seen several posts on FB about Brittany's story. Each share has several hundred comments below it. I have read many, many of them. The decision to end her life has been called brave. Or is it brave to live each day you have left the best you can? Is it brave to get out of bed each morning knowing you will die a painful death very soon? My mom showed an amount of bravery each day that surpassed any human understanding. My sister and I always wondered how and why she got out of bed each morning. The story with Brittany really hit close to home and made me think about my mom. I AM IN NO WAY GOING TIT FOR TAT ON THE TWO SITUATIONS. They are very different and in fact, the type of cancer was even different. Again, I'm not saying Brittany wasn't brave in making the decision she did. I simply am in no position to judge that. By focusing on the bravery she must have had to end her life it is assuming those battling terminal cancer right up to the end are less brave. It is implying that people like my mom are taking the less courageous or selfish way out. My mom was well aware of her fate. Believe me...she got it. I still have the sound burned in my brain of her screaming for hours on end because the hospice nurse let her go too long without morphine. It is hard to get the pain back under control. So I guess my point is it may be extremely hurtful to those people giving cancer (or any other terminal disease) hell right up to the end to focus on this woman's bravery. My mother displayed immeasurable courage to look in the mirror each morning and see a body ravaged by terminal lung and brain cancer and decide to get herself dressed and live what life she had left. Despite my mother's physical and mental limitations she knew God could use her right up to the end. She still lived with purpose.
I have also read comments where people say Brittany was sparing her family the pain of seeing her get sicker and she was sparing them the financial burden of caring for her. I get their point, but here is what I have to say to that. Again, it implies that people like my mom are selfish for desiring to live despite a grim, terminal diagnosis. Those comments are implying that my mom was only thinking of herself in refusing to give up right until the moment God called her home. My poor father literally carried her down the stairs from their bedroom to the downstairs bedroom that housed the hospice bed. He gets more then anyone what it is like to care for a dying person. Was she being selfish desiring to battle cancer knowing how much money her treatments cost?
Again, I don't know Brittany and can in no way say she was right or wrong. That was between her and the Person that made her. Honestly, my heart breaks for the whole situation. I am sure she was a sweet, caring person who loved greatly and was loved greatly. I just think by praising her bravery and unselfishness we can alienate people fighting for their lives. The last thing they need is to be made to feel selfish or like a coward because they have a burning desire to take another breath and fight a hellish disease. In closing, I think it is important to be sensitive to both sides of the coin...to people like Brittany who don't want to fight any longer and to those like Dinah Kruse who want to fight right up until their name is called.
I fully understand the wide variety of topics here! I also know this blog is very long. I apologize for both. My free time has become quite limited with homeschooling so I figured while I was typing and Eli was taking a cartoon break I had better take full advantage. I sincerely wish God's fullness to dwell within each and every one of you. God bless.
I know you are probably familiar with the fact I travel a great distance to see my doctor, Dr. Vliet. It is required by law to see her in person once a year. The first year I saw her in Tucson, the second year Virginia Beach, and this year the location was Dallas. Dave and I always make the most out of our visits and take in some local sights.
We really enjoyed our time in Dallas. I typically like my appointments to be scheduled at the beginning of our trips because I like to get them out of the way. I tend to get anxious before my appointments. I think it frustrates my husband somewhat. I guess I have this fear that my symptoms won't match up with my lab results or worse yet, she will say that she has no idea how to help me. It's really rather ridiculous that I get uneasy. Dr. Vliet and I share a favorite Bible verse so I often quote that verse in my head about 25 times a day during this uneasy time. It is Romans 8:28. It reads, "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Dave and I love exploring in new places. We flew in on a Saturday so we knew we had to find a place to watch the OSU football game. We found this fun outdoor restaurant/bar that had several TV's. It was packed to the gill so we couldn't find a seat at first. The seating was all picnic tables. Finally we found a seat after being invited to sit by three guys. They were a riot. All were fans of different teams and all played college football in their younger years for a small Texas college called Abilene Christian. We had a great time with them! We saw people wearing gear from LSU, 'Bama, all the Texas Universities, OSU, Kansas, Mississippi State, and I'm sure several others that I'm forgetting.
The next day we ventured over to Dealey Plaza to the Sixth Floor Museum. Being the history buff that I am I was thrilled to go. If you don't know off hand what Dealey Plaza is it is the exact location that JFK was assassinated. The Texas State Book Depository has been converted into a museum. The Sixth floor is the floor that holds the sniper's nest. The window remains open and the floor is stocked full of fascinating artifacts, photographs, and documentary films. It's an absolutely incredible look back into the past. You could literally look down onto the Plaza and picture the Presidential motorcade passing by then speeding up, going under the triple overpass rushing to Parkland Hospital. We also took a cell phone walking tour of the Plaza. A white 'X' marks the spot on the road where the third shot hit JFK in the head. It sounds really morbid, but it is actually interesting to picture yourself being there waiting for the motorcade to pass by on that sunny November day in 1963.
Another fun outing was to the Texas State Fair. We had seen a giant billboard of Big Tex along side the freeway advertising the fair. Dave and I thought why not so we headed that way. What fun! We learned all about police horses, got to meet a few, watched Ostrich races, and took in all kinds of sites and sounds of a giant fair. We also took a few hours and drove to Ft. Worth to see the historic Stockyards. On my list of things to look for was a new bit for Jessie. Dave waited VERY patiently for an hour while I poured over about 300 bits at this fantastic tack store at the stockyards. What a guy! We also went to the new Gaylord hotel near Grapevine. Wow! There was some sort of convention going on there. We tried to figure out a way to get a badge so we could eat free food and stay! We shopped and found this amazing little pie shop and shared the best piece of pie both of us has ever had!
The last day of our trip involved seeing Dr. Vliet. When she called us back I gave her a big hug and we started right in talking. We went over all my symptoms and labs. Dave was right- I had nothing to worry about. My labs were all very off and she made the changes she felt necessary. We chatted about life and she always likes to hear about Eli. She told us about her adventures and Chile. We left with a new plan of care. I implemented the changes as soon as possible. I noticed some positive changes right away. There are a few things that haven't cleared up yet so we will give it some time and make a few more tweaks. One thing I have to remember is that to me this ordeal seems like it's been going on FOREVER. It all got very bad pretty much directly after having Eli. He will be eight in March. In reality everything started back at zero after my total hysterectomy and that was only 18 months ago. So things she tried BEFORE my surgery that didn't work may work now. That surgery was a complete game changer.
I am trying to really focus on small positive changes. There are a few huge symptoms that are still problematic and I get scared they will never improve. Honestly I battle that fear each day I wake up and they are still present. They aren't life threatening, but enough to greatly affect my life. I read a teaching a few weeks ago that really has stuck with me. Steven Furtick wrote an excellent book titled Crash the Chatterbox. It is about hearing God's voice above all others. He writes about being thankful right where you are at. This is the best way to disperse discouragement. There is always something to be thankful for. If you complain about the little things why would God bless you with more things? Luke 16:10 reads, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Here is an example. If a person can't be obedient to God and tithe off their meager income why would they be faithful to tithe off a large income? So I am applying that lesson to my health. I will be thankful for the small blessings and relish them genuinely and see what happens from there.
I suppose I could stop here on this blog, but I will throw in a few more things! My last blog was very horse heavy. What wonderful feedback I received! The Congress has come and gone. It went well and my sweet Jessie even brought home a medallion. Here is a shout out to Miss Bella. She got two excellent rides out of Jessie, one in her split and another in the finals. I should definitely give props to her mom, Jenn. Jenn is literally the best horse show mom...EVER. The Congress was certainly an emotional experience. The first day felt surreal. I am thankful to my friend, Jeana, for keeping me company. It was fun to meet Bella's family also. Even though I was surrounded by awesome people I still felt very alone. My Congress buddy is gone forever and there was no avoiding the emotion surrounding that hard, cold truth. The D'Onofrio family ran a gorgeous ad in the Congress program of Bella and her cute Roanie and Jessie. They even added a special paragraph under Jessie's picture dedicating Bella's ride to my mom.
Probably the complete highlight of the entire show was during the final placings. All the horses were lined up at the end of the Coliseum. During the final placings music was playing in the background. Just before the announcer called Bella's number Willie Nelson came on singing the classic Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys. I could not believe my ears! This song was seriously my mom's favorite song! I knew all the words to it by the time I was five years old. So as they read Bella's name, number, and Jessie's Little Chip this song was in full swing. There aren't really words to describe how this felt.
Okay, here is my last topic. I didn't follow the story really closely, but know enough to understand what happened to the poor woman in Oregon with terminal brain cancer. Let me first say I have no clue if or if she shouldn't have made the decision to kill herself using specially prescribed barbiturates. There is absolutely no way for me to understand what she felt both physically and emotionally. Let's be honest, even the people that support her have no idea what they would do in a similar situation. They may think they would do the same, but when the time comes they end up with an unquenchable desire to see another day. I am not giving my opinion either way. I seriously cannot judge her decision. I will say I think it's a slippery slope...the whole physician assisted suicide topic. Seeing pictures of Brittany before her illness broke my heart because I saw my mom, healthy and full of life. Brittany had her whole life ahead of her. I read where she and her new husband were trying for a family when she was diagnosed. It's just straight up sad. It is these types of things that make me question God's goodness. I have learned that He can handle my questions. He knows the heart within the person that's asking the questions also. Are we questioning Him with a mind already made up and a heart full of bitterness or are we questioning Him in order to learn more about His nature? The heart behind the questioning matters to Him.
I have seen several posts on FB about Brittany's story. Each share has several hundred comments below it. I have read many, many of them. The decision to end her life has been called brave. Or is it brave to live each day you have left the best you can? Is it brave to get out of bed each morning knowing you will die a painful death very soon? My mom showed an amount of bravery each day that surpassed any human understanding. My sister and I always wondered how and why she got out of bed each morning. The story with Brittany really hit close to home and made me think about my mom. I AM IN NO WAY GOING TIT FOR TAT ON THE TWO SITUATIONS. They are very different and in fact, the type of cancer was even different. Again, I'm not saying Brittany wasn't brave in making the decision she did. I simply am in no position to judge that. By focusing on the bravery she must have had to end her life it is assuming those battling terminal cancer right up to the end are less brave. It is implying that people like my mom are taking the less courageous or selfish way out. My mom was well aware of her fate. Believe me...she got it. I still have the sound burned in my brain of her screaming for hours on end because the hospice nurse let her go too long without morphine. It is hard to get the pain back under control. So I guess my point is it may be extremely hurtful to those people giving cancer (or any other terminal disease) hell right up to the end to focus on this woman's bravery. My mother displayed immeasurable courage to look in the mirror each morning and see a body ravaged by terminal lung and brain cancer and decide to get herself dressed and live what life she had left. Despite my mother's physical and mental limitations she knew God could use her right up to the end. She still lived with purpose.
I have also read comments where people say Brittany was sparing her family the pain of seeing her get sicker and she was sparing them the financial burden of caring for her. I get their point, but here is what I have to say to that. Again, it implies that people like my mom are selfish for desiring to live despite a grim, terminal diagnosis. Those comments are implying that my mom was only thinking of herself in refusing to give up right until the moment God called her home. My poor father literally carried her down the stairs from their bedroom to the downstairs bedroom that housed the hospice bed. He gets more then anyone what it is like to care for a dying person. Was she being selfish desiring to battle cancer knowing how much money her treatments cost?
Again, I don't know Brittany and can in no way say she was right or wrong. That was between her and the Person that made her. Honestly, my heart breaks for the whole situation. I am sure she was a sweet, caring person who loved greatly and was loved greatly. I just think by praising her bravery and unselfishness we can alienate people fighting for their lives. The last thing they need is to be made to feel selfish or like a coward because they have a burning desire to take another breath and fight a hellish disease. In closing, I think it is important to be sensitive to both sides of the coin...to people like Brittany who don't want to fight any longer and to those like Dinah Kruse who want to fight right up until their name is called.
I fully understand the wide variety of topics here! I also know this blog is very long. I apologize for both. My free time has become quite limited with homeschooling so I figured while I was typing and Eli was taking a cartoon break I had better take full advantage. I sincerely wish God's fullness to dwell within each and every one of you. God bless.
Monday, August 11, 2014
God Can Use a Horse
Disclaimer: This blog entry is all about horses, moms and daughters, and horses.
I got my love of horses from my mom. She got her first horse when she was about 14 years old. The mare was named Sandy and a picture of Sandy still hangs in my dad's house. I have been riding horses since before I could walk. My first show was at age two. If I ever come across that picture I'll have to post it. It's pretty sweet! The class was lead line and my handler was Christy. The pony was a tiny paint Shetland named Lollipop. I wore hot pink pants, a striped shirt and a GIANT hunt cap!
Isaiah 55:8-9) “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Romans 8:28) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I got my love of horses from my mom. She got her first horse when she was about 14 years old. The mare was named Sandy and a picture of Sandy still hangs in my dad's house. I have been riding horses since before I could walk. My first show was at age two. If I ever come across that picture I'll have to post it. It's pretty sweet! The class was lead line and my handler was Christy. The pony was a tiny paint Shetland named Lollipop. I wore hot pink pants, a striped shirt and a GIANT hunt cap!
My days as a kid were filled with stall cleaning, barn chores, and horseback riding. Spring time brought foals, shedding horses, and cramming for Youth Show as we didn't have access to an indoor arena. Summer was horse show time! My mom and I loved going to horse shows together. We schooled through out the week and she set jumps for me about each and every day. Fall brought showing to an end, but the excitement of Congress was palpable. I showed at Congress twice and even came home with the "coveted C.R. Morrison" bronze trophy once. My memories of winter on the farm are of breaking the ice out of water troughs, trying to finagle intact hay bales from my dad, and layering on clothes before heading out to strip stalls. My mother always demanded that the horses were fed before we were in the mornings. She could not stomach the thought of a horse standing out in cold, wet weather. Sox was notorious for standing out in the worst weather even though he had access to a bedded shed. I clearly remember one time getting up in the middle of the night to bring that stinker in the barn.
Congress. Ah, Congress. That was me and mom's thing. My Congress attendance record ran from 1979 to 2009. That's quite a run! You may wonder what brought it to an end. Cancer. Cancer brought it to an end. My mom became terminally ill in March of 2008. Eli had just turned a year old. She got a horrible diagnosis. If you ever wonder what you would do if you heard your doctor say, "you have terminal cancer...WITH treatment you will live three to six months...and it is inoperable." My mother heard those words in 2008. Congress rolled around that fall. Odd it didn't stop despite our agony.
You must understand what Congress meant to me and Mom. When I was in school my mom always took me out for a week during Congress. It was truly the best time of the year. My friend Jamie and I ran around those fairgrounds solid for a week and then again on weekends! She and I used to run around the top of the Coliseum, eat nachos and pie (anyone remember the pie stand in the Coliseum?!), and watch the Open Versatility class. Forget sugar plums, we had silver saddles dancing in our heads. As I got older the tradition for my mom and I continued. As late as 2006 we would camp at the fairgrounds for about 10 days and we'd always time it for when all our favorite classes were held. She and I watched hours upon hours of pleasure horses loping around the Celeste Center. We would critique lopes and outfits. We watched Hope By Invitation win junior pleasure one year. We also saw Britney Pine lope bridle-less to the center to receive her trophy. There were the days of Held Captive, A Good Machine, Blazing Hot, Vested Faith...and the duals between Majestic Scotch and Vital Signs Are Good. We saw One Hot Krymsun win the Maturity. Another favorite was the Hunter Classic. We also saw fashions come and go. Any one remember the bright yellow craze or the solid white one? I still don't understand the dark green hunt coat craze. We saw the evolution of the western pleasure horse...from a free flowing ranch type mover to the peanut pusher fad of the early 90's. Coming from the actual hunter world my mother could never, ever understand the AQHA Hunter Under Saddle horse.
In 2007 I had Eli and our time at Congress significantly shortened. I think Mom struggled with this somewhat. Somewhere I have a picture of a teeny tiny baby Eli being held on a gorgeous Harris show saddle. We still managed to make Congress happen though. In 2008 she was critically ill and couldn't manage to have the camper at the fairgrounds. Christy and I booked a hotel suite for the three of us that year. It was awful. We drug her out to watch the Hunter Classic with our dear friend Lisa like we had watched years prior. The poor woman was so exhausted from chemo. she could no longer walk around and shop and look at puppies. The pain in Christy's and my heart almost took our breath away at times during that long weekend. The following year she didn't make it at all. I went one day with a friend and it was so sad. It felt empty. In 2010 Dave and I knew we were moving to Georgia in a few weeks and I knew my mom was barely surviving so no one dared to breath the word "Congress." I didn't attend. Everything had changed and I had to stay as far away from it as I could.
Mom passed away the following February. Dave and I lived twelve hours away and the thought of showing my horse or going to Congress was too much to bear. You see my mom and I had a mutual dream...of Jessie showing at Congress. She was good enough, easily good enough. My life didn't allow that to happen though. Jess and I earned lots of points over the years, but Congress was something different. I am the type that if I don't feel 1,000% prepared for something I won't do it. I'm safe I guess. I'm learning to be a little different. I never felt like Jess and I were prepared for that level of competition. If I didn't think we could place I wasn't going to show there. I had too much respect for the show and all it encompasses.
The years passed, the fall seasons came and went. Each October brought the same pain deep within my chest. The leaves were changing, the Congress was approaching, and my mom was gone. My partner in horse show crime was gone. So gone. The missing can be unbearable at times. Dave and I recently moved back to Ohio. In the months approaching our move the thought of Congress kept coming into my mind. Maybe I was ready to go back. Maybe I could even began to fathom driving underneath the archway. Maybe I could walk through the Gilligan snatching candy out of bowls and strangely enjoying the smell of ammonia. I was softening towards the idea. I know so many people that show there. My friend Jeana told me I should come up. I could stop by my trainer's barn to say "hi." I wouldn't be alone yet I would be.
In early July I saw a post that interested me. The trainer that I showed with for years posted that a client of hers needed a horse to show. The girl was a small fry so she needed something quiet. Her horse had gotten sick and was recovering. Jessie would be perfect I thought. The last year I had been riding her very regularly and always rode her like a show horse. Her spur stops were sharp, her showmanship pivots were top notch and her hocks had just been injected. I contacted Missy and within a week Jessie was being picked up by the little girl's mom. I got word that Jessie arrived safely and was settling in well. Missy rode her the next day and she was spot on.
Jessie attended her first show in four years about 10 days later. Bella and Jessie were complete rock stars. I couldn't stay away...I had to go watch. I drove to the show without telling anyone. I didn't want them to feel like I was hover mom and didn't want to add any pressure. I silently sat in the stands awaiting Jessie's class. The missing overwhelmed me. I missed my mom sitting next to me. I saw Jessie and Bella enter the practice pen and my pulse increased. I thought to myself, "Jessie behave yourself...just do what you know how to do." She did! They were amazing! They ended up winning and pulled off two seconds in their very first class! I ended up spending the whole day at the show with Jennifer, Bella's mom. I love her. I don't think she knows what a presence she was for me. Just having someone there to be with made such a difference to me when my missing was so intense. Miss Bella and Jessie ended up being circuit champions in Western Pleasure and Trail and they were Reserve All-Around small fry!
As I putzed around the show something in my heart ignited. It was a familiar feeling. Could that be my love for horse showing returning? I haven't felt these feelings in so many years. Maybe I could go to Congress after all. Maybe I could show Jessie again. Agh! What was going on in my heart and brain?! Was it possible that showing again was part of my healing process?!
After the incredible success attained by Bella and Jessie her parents and trainer decided they were competitive enough to make a run at a Congress medallion. They decided to keep Jessie and show her at Congress. I was so excited to hear the news and assured Jennifer I would be totally fine with them keeping the mare until October. Seriously, five weeks ago Jessie was my gorgeous pasture pet who still could bring it when I rode her and now she's being prepped for the remaining OQHA shows and Congress. She was shipped from Georgia June 1st. Had Bella needed a horse before this Jessie wouldn't have been able to fill this role. Had I not kept her in "show shape" she wouldn't have been prepared to be a show horse again so quickly.
This brings up a very interesting predicament. I can't not go to Congress this year. I can't not go and watch Bella and Jessie. I think God is freeing me up to go and enjoy that part of my life again. I can't stay away this year. I believe God orchestrated this entire thing down to every last detail. To top it off I have learned so much from watching little, sweet Bella ride my horse. Bella trusts the mare and the mare knows it. Bella doesn't pick at her face trying to get her "just right." Bella goes in that pen, sits tall, smiles, uses her legs, and guides the horse around. She has given Jessie incredible confidence and I suspect Jessie has done the same for Bella.
I would never guessed in a million years that my first year back at Congress would have me watching my beloved Jessie. I believe God is telling me to go back, to go back and revisit some of the most beloved times of my life. I can hear my mom's voice being excited that Jessie is being taken to Congress. I can see her smile and I can relive that very day in late March, 2000 when, at a breeding farm, my mom pointed out a cute little sorrel filly with lots of chrome. I believe God is using a horse and a horse show to help me heal even more. He is using that same horse and that same horse show as an ointment to a wound in my heart.
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Romans 8:28) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Long Time No Blog
Hey everyone! I could go on about how long it's been since I blogged last. I could say that time flies and all that jazz. Here is the truth though, 1. we moved from Georgia to Ohio and that's a pretty big, time consuming deal and 2. I have felt just kind of flat in my faith. That happens sometimes. I think sometimes Christians are taught that their faith walk should always be goose bumps, mountain highs, and closeness with God. Here is reality...walking with the Lord is messy, trying, and downright disappointing at times. Blasphemy you might yell. It's true though. We are often taught that if we have enough faith we can overcome anything. If we think positive long enough our wall around Jericho will come crashing down. Sometimes I feel let down by God. Don't worry, I am not telling you anything I haven't told Him. I think that's the key, that you keep talking to Him, keep wrestling with Him.
My thyroid is still ornery and I still don't have ovaries which means I have the hormonal profile of a 65 year old woman. The catch is I am only 35 therefore every hormone has to be replaced. If one is off then it causes a cyclical downgrading or overproduction of the others. Whoever thinks we evolved from an ape has clearly not been exposed to the dynamic nature of the human endocrine system! Dr. Vliet and I are still working on my levels and I'm still praying that God shows us exactly what to do. Fortunately I have a praying doctor who understands she's just a tool being used by the Father. So we continue to do blood work very regularly and she makes changes as she sees fit and then we wait to see what happens then we do more blood work and she makes further changes, etc. Sometimes I just get sick of it all. I'm not gonna lie...it makes me downright crabby at times. It's true...ask Dave and my BFF Jessica. So anywho, I will keep praying, and thanking God for how far He has brought me, and worshipping the One who created me, and I'll also continue to tell Him that I feel let down at times. I think that's the sign of a true and real relationship, honesty. I even have temper-tantrums to Him...and that's okay.
Job 30:20) I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me.
Haven't we all felt this way at one time or another?! My feelings are not infallible. Just because I feel something doesn't make it reality. God may feel distant, but He isn't. It may feel like He's doing nothing to help me, but He is. You get my point. I love Job. I highly recommend reading the book of Job and doing a study or twenty on the book. Job was downright mad at God. He and God wrestled. Job was real. Job was man of integrity. He was decent, he respected God, and he stayed away from evil. This was God's description of Job in Job 1:8. My point is, God can take it. He can take my temper-tantrums and frustration. Even though Job was frustrated with God he remained devoted to Him. Job's own wife wanted Job to curse God, but he wouldn't do it. I don't think any of us know the pain and agony Job endured, but we can look at his life and learn many useful lessons. Even on my most frustrating day with God is better than a thousand days without God. I will remain devoted to Him despite my feelings. I will turn my focus to His goodness and keep on keepin' on!
My thyroid is still ornery and I still don't have ovaries which means I have the hormonal profile of a 65 year old woman. The catch is I am only 35 therefore every hormone has to be replaced. If one is off then it causes a cyclical downgrading or overproduction of the others. Whoever thinks we evolved from an ape has clearly not been exposed to the dynamic nature of the human endocrine system! Dr. Vliet and I are still working on my levels and I'm still praying that God shows us exactly what to do. Fortunately I have a praying doctor who understands she's just a tool being used by the Father. So we continue to do blood work very regularly and she makes changes as she sees fit and then we wait to see what happens then we do more blood work and she makes further changes, etc. Sometimes I just get sick of it all. I'm not gonna lie...it makes me downright crabby at times. It's true...ask Dave and my BFF Jessica. So anywho, I will keep praying, and thanking God for how far He has brought me, and worshipping the One who created me, and I'll also continue to tell Him that I feel let down at times. I think that's the sign of a true and real relationship, honesty. I even have temper-tantrums to Him...and that's okay.
Job 30:20) I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me.
Haven't we all felt this way at one time or another?! My feelings are not infallible. Just because I feel something doesn't make it reality. God may feel distant, but He isn't. It may feel like He's doing nothing to help me, but He is. You get my point. I love Job. I highly recommend reading the book of Job and doing a study or twenty on the book. Job was downright mad at God. He and God wrestled. Job was real. Job was man of integrity. He was decent, he respected God, and he stayed away from evil. This was God's description of Job in Job 1:8. My point is, God can take it. He can take my temper-tantrums and frustration. Even though Job was frustrated with God he remained devoted to Him. Job's own wife wanted Job to curse God, but he wouldn't do it. I don't think any of us know the pain and agony Job endured, but we can look at his life and learn many useful lessons. Even on my most frustrating day with God is better than a thousand days without God. I will remain devoted to Him despite my feelings. I will turn my focus to His goodness and keep on keepin' on!
Thursday, April 17, 2014
What Can We Do?!
Hey everyone! I hope that spring has finally sprung in the frigid north. It's been spring in Georgia for a few months now. We returned from our spring break trip to Utah a few days ago. Our break here is so late because it all depends on when the Master's golf tournament is. The entire city of Augusta changes hands during the tournament. We have rented our house the last few years so we have to be out at least a week. It's a great excuse to go somewhere fun. We enjoyed a week at the condo in Utah. We got to ski, enjoy some warm days, shop, eat awesome food, and relax. I hadn't skied in over three years so I was a bit rusty. I got my ski legs back pretty quickly though...well, other than falling face down off the ski lift when I meant to just stand up and get off! My knee is still sore!
We are building a new house in Cincinnati and the builder was needing our paint colors right away so when the plane landed we had to stop by Lowe's, Home Depot, and Sherwin Williams. This meant we had to detour off our usual highway route to the condo in Deer Valley (Park City). As we pulled up to a stop light we saw a homeless man, woman, and a cute little dog. He was holding a ragged sign that said something like "will work for food." As we pulled up to a stop he looked right at us. I rarely have cash in my bag, but this time I had a fair amount. I can't even remember how I got it. I felt like I was supposed to give him my cash so I told Dave to roll down the window. I used to think things like he probably spent all his money on alcohol or why doesn't he just go get a job or he must have made horrible life decisions to be in this position. I USED to think things like that. I don't think I thought those things with a mean heart. I think it was more about relieving my guilt on why I had so much. I MUST have done something right in life so I thought.
Recently I read a book titled, A Hole in our Gospel. It is written by the President of World Vision. If you don't know World Vision is a global, Christian outreach organization. They do amazing things for a hurting world. I read this book in a matter of a few days. Dave had taken Eli skiing in January and I stayed back to enjoy some alone time. I finished one book and needed something else to read. Dave had read this book years back and had told me several times to read it. I kept putting it off and always had another book that was calling my name. So this time I walked to the bookshelf to evaluate my options. I saw the hole in the gospel book and moved my eyes past it. It honestly felt like the book was lit up. I knew God was calling me to read that particular book. It was totally uncomfortable because it was so real. Did you know that half the world's population can't find work, feed their families, or secure adequate housing? Did you know between 21,000 and 30,000 children die each day around the world? I may sound like Debbie Downer, but that's reality. The author, Richard Stearns, was the CEO of Lennox china when God called him to take over World Vision. He was living in the lap of luxury when God came calling. It would be inaccurate to say that God calls everyone to sell all their possessions to serve Him. It's true we can serve Him in some capacity right where we are at. Matthew 25:45 says, "He will answer, 'I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sister, you were refusing to help me.'
Dave and I used to love the song Under Bridges by Brave Saint Saturn. I would say the album was out in maybe the late 90's. The first verse paints a picture of Jesus that greatly differs from the one you and I think of. It says,
Yesterday while walking,
Beneath an overpass,
I saw the figure of Jesus,
Standing barefoot on broken glass.
His beard was graying,
The smell of urine filled the air,
Asking if I had some change,
Anything that I could spare.
I am TOTALLY not judging anyone who is reading this because I don't know what you give to charity. I don't know how much you give to your church or if you tithe (tithe means 10%). I do not know your heart. I hardly know my own! There are people that certainly give more than Dave and I do. I am in no way telling you that I have it all figured out and am really a disguised Mother Teresa. I guess I just want to challenge you to start somewhere. If you don't tithe maybe just start by giving 1% off the top. I don't know, start somewhere...we all have to. If all Christians tithed we could turn this world around. We could change things for the most desperate people on the planet.
So back to my original story about the homeless man in Salt Lake. I don't know his story. I don't know what pain he has faced. I can't even imagine what he has gone through to leave him begging at a stop light in Salt Lake City. Is he an alcoholic? Maybe. Is his brain fried from drugs making him unable to hold a job? Maybe. Maybe he is a veteran that has PTSD. Maybe he has cancer and his unpaid medical bills caught up with him? Maybe he made poor decisions as a younger man and now he has a record...a felon? You know what? It isn't any of my business. I firmly believe God called me to reach into my bag and grab out my cash and give it to him. It isn't any of my business what he does with it. I want to obey God's call. I would even venture to guess that me grabbing my cash wasn't even about the homeless man. It was about me and what is the condition of my heart. It wasn't even my cash I grabbed. It was God's and He entrusted it to me. If I have a closed fist than He can't put anything else in my hand. It's all about perspective too. According to the Heritage Foundation America's poor aren't poor compared to the rest of the world. I found this stat interesting. 80% of America's poor have air-conditioned homes. Having said that I think it would be huge failure to neglect America's hurting in order to serve the poor in Swaziland. I think we are to do both!
I think about Eli too. He is so incredibly privileged. I think of other seven year old children in third world countries. Chances are they have seen unspeakable things in their seven short years. They could have lost one or both parents to HIV. They probably do not get to go to school because they 1. can't get there, 2. have to care for younger siblings or sick elders, 3. are too sick themselves, or 4. have to work to make money for their families. Eli can be whatever he wants when he grows up. He is healthy, has been vaccinated (sorry people who don't believe in it), has enough food at his finger tips, can run and play and learn until his heart's content. Why? He was born at a certain latitude and longitude. Same with me. Same with his father. I don't believe we should feel guilty for what we have. God has given you what you have whether you believe in Him or not. Why does He allow children to suffer and starve? I DO NOT KNOW and I will not pretend to know. What I do know is this...We have a huge responsibility to help the needy. There will always be someone who has less than us. We can't say, "when I have this much money I'll start giving some away to the needy." No. We are called to give now. Mark 12:44 says, "They gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on." I think the point here is the condition of the poor woman's heart. She had a giving heart. I think that is how we should be.
Look, again, I'm not condemning anyone reading this. I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. We drive decent cars and take vacations. That isn't what this is about. Where are our hearts though? Do we think we are somehow are superior to the world's poor? The fact is we were born in the wealthiest place on earth and because of that we have a great responsibility to the hurting. Let's do something! Let's do more!
Luke 6:38) Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.
We are building a new house in Cincinnati and the builder was needing our paint colors right away so when the plane landed we had to stop by Lowe's, Home Depot, and Sherwin Williams. This meant we had to detour off our usual highway route to the condo in Deer Valley (Park City). As we pulled up to a stop light we saw a homeless man, woman, and a cute little dog. He was holding a ragged sign that said something like "will work for food." As we pulled up to a stop he looked right at us. I rarely have cash in my bag, but this time I had a fair amount. I can't even remember how I got it. I felt like I was supposed to give him my cash so I told Dave to roll down the window. I used to think things like he probably spent all his money on alcohol or why doesn't he just go get a job or he must have made horrible life decisions to be in this position. I USED to think things like that. I don't think I thought those things with a mean heart. I think it was more about relieving my guilt on why I had so much. I MUST have done something right in life so I thought.
Recently I read a book titled, A Hole in our Gospel. It is written by the President of World Vision. If you don't know World Vision is a global, Christian outreach organization. They do amazing things for a hurting world. I read this book in a matter of a few days. Dave had taken Eli skiing in January and I stayed back to enjoy some alone time. I finished one book and needed something else to read. Dave had read this book years back and had told me several times to read it. I kept putting it off and always had another book that was calling my name. So this time I walked to the bookshelf to evaluate my options. I saw the hole in the gospel book and moved my eyes past it. It honestly felt like the book was lit up. I knew God was calling me to read that particular book. It was totally uncomfortable because it was so real. Did you know that half the world's population can't find work, feed their families, or secure adequate housing? Did you know between 21,000 and 30,000 children die each day around the world? I may sound like Debbie Downer, but that's reality. The author, Richard Stearns, was the CEO of Lennox china when God called him to take over World Vision. He was living in the lap of luxury when God came calling. It would be inaccurate to say that God calls everyone to sell all their possessions to serve Him. It's true we can serve Him in some capacity right where we are at. Matthew 25:45 says, "He will answer, 'I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sister, you were refusing to help me.'
Dave and I used to love the song Under Bridges by Brave Saint Saturn. I would say the album was out in maybe the late 90's. The first verse paints a picture of Jesus that greatly differs from the one you and I think of. It says,
Yesterday while walking,
Beneath an overpass,
I saw the figure of Jesus,
Standing barefoot on broken glass.
His beard was graying,
The smell of urine filled the air,
Asking if I had some change,
Anything that I could spare.
I am TOTALLY not judging anyone who is reading this because I don't know what you give to charity. I don't know how much you give to your church or if you tithe (tithe means 10%). I do not know your heart. I hardly know my own! There are people that certainly give more than Dave and I do. I am in no way telling you that I have it all figured out and am really a disguised Mother Teresa. I guess I just want to challenge you to start somewhere. If you don't tithe maybe just start by giving 1% off the top. I don't know, start somewhere...we all have to. If all Christians tithed we could turn this world around. We could change things for the most desperate people on the planet.
So back to my original story about the homeless man in Salt Lake. I don't know his story. I don't know what pain he has faced. I can't even imagine what he has gone through to leave him begging at a stop light in Salt Lake City. Is he an alcoholic? Maybe. Is his brain fried from drugs making him unable to hold a job? Maybe. Maybe he is a veteran that has PTSD. Maybe he has cancer and his unpaid medical bills caught up with him? Maybe he made poor decisions as a younger man and now he has a record...a felon? You know what? It isn't any of my business. I firmly believe God called me to reach into my bag and grab out my cash and give it to him. It isn't any of my business what he does with it. I want to obey God's call. I would even venture to guess that me grabbing my cash wasn't even about the homeless man. It was about me and what is the condition of my heart. It wasn't even my cash I grabbed. It was God's and He entrusted it to me. If I have a closed fist than He can't put anything else in my hand. It's all about perspective too. According to the Heritage Foundation America's poor aren't poor compared to the rest of the world. I found this stat interesting. 80% of America's poor have air-conditioned homes. Having said that I think it would be huge failure to neglect America's hurting in order to serve the poor in Swaziland. I think we are to do both!
I think about Eli too. He is so incredibly privileged. I think of other seven year old children in third world countries. Chances are they have seen unspeakable things in their seven short years. They could have lost one or both parents to HIV. They probably do not get to go to school because they 1. can't get there, 2. have to care for younger siblings or sick elders, 3. are too sick themselves, or 4. have to work to make money for their families. Eli can be whatever he wants when he grows up. He is healthy, has been vaccinated (sorry people who don't believe in it), has enough food at his finger tips, can run and play and learn until his heart's content. Why? He was born at a certain latitude and longitude. Same with me. Same with his father. I don't believe we should feel guilty for what we have. God has given you what you have whether you believe in Him or not. Why does He allow children to suffer and starve? I DO NOT KNOW and I will not pretend to know. What I do know is this...We have a huge responsibility to help the needy. There will always be someone who has less than us. We can't say, "when I have this much money I'll start giving some away to the needy." No. We are called to give now. Mark 12:44 says, "They gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on." I think the point here is the condition of the poor woman's heart. She had a giving heart. I think that is how we should be.
Look, again, I'm not condemning anyone reading this. I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. We drive decent cars and take vacations. That isn't what this is about. Where are our hearts though? Do we think we are somehow are superior to the world's poor? The fact is we were born in the wealthiest place on earth and because of that we have a great responsibility to the hurting. Let's do something! Let's do more!
Luke 6:38) Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.
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